#it hurts so bad but it’s so weel done

[bobs-secret-blog]

Lost hope

Giyu x reader

Authores note:first fic on tumblr and its angst. Sorry but im in the mood, hope you enyoy reading tho. Love ya ●>●

A nurses life was at times a stressful one. Patients were at times horrible and sometimes times you had to take care of absolute perverts. But it all paid off at the end of the day. Because you could see your soon to be husband again!

His name was Yuka Imalai, he was a doctor at the small villiage hospital you worked at. He taught you everything you know. You had been dating for 2 years now and you were happy. Everything was going great between you two. Your wedding was in 2 weeks. You had planed everything from the cake to the guest lists. And you were going to have a great honeymoon.

But right now Yuka was having a code red surgery on two patients. One in a critical condition and on the blink of death, the other lost an arm. Yuka was stressed as all hell but adventualy mannaged to pull it off with them.

It was 2 days after the operation.Yuka instructed you to do some minor check ups and blood work while he gets to another surgery.

So with no time to waist you went into the first patients room, his chest was covered in bandages along with his arms and whole neck. You picked up his chart from the table.

Sanemi Shinazugawa.

Huh. Sounded almost familiar. Maybe an ex-patient perhaps? Oh weel. Whatever it was could wait after the whole checkup. So you had begun to take some blood samples, cleaning wounds and changing bandages. Finaly done.

You werw heading to the second patients room just down the hall, suprised to see he was awake. He had short black hair, ocean blue eyes. One arm was missing while the other was bandaged. He just looked at the ground the whole time. Looking so woried and deppressed. How sad. Walking over to the table you picked up a paper.

"Giyu Tomioka?"

He looked at you, eyes widening with shock. Oh man what did you do this time. He slowly says

"(Y/n) ? Is it realy you? Oh god please tell me i finaly found you again!!! Please ill never let you down again! Im sorry about Kocho , i promise"

Oh wow he must have been brain damaged.

"Sir please calm down, your going to hurt yourself again. Plus i realy dont know you sir."

Thats the moment the tears broke down. A anguishing, grief filled scream erupted from him and waterfalls from his eyes. It hurt so bad. Having been scared by his actions you quickly left the room asking a different nurse to help. She had finished up with Giyu an hour later, and let me tell you he was a menace. Franticaly trashing around and asking for only you for him. It was whatever for you, but not for Giyu. Even if you dont remember him, he remembers you.

It was two years back when he was 19, he married you when he was very young at 17. Oh how naive you were to think he could be loyal. But at first everything went great, you were the awesome couple everyone dreamed to be. Everybody was jealous of your love towards each other, even some of the demon slayers. You were as happy as you could be, spending free days with your husband. Going on vacations with him, cooking together, planning your future, talking about children for the future. Everything was perfect....

Until Giyu started acting weird.

He was rarely home for dinners, didnt take the bentos you made him. He didnt even want to sleep with you in your bed anymore. It started to be suspicious towards you, so you came up with a conclusion. He was cheating on you.

You thought you were crazy at frist, a mad woman thinking her husband who kills demons for a job is being unloyay to her? Yeah thats it. You were done with his bullshit after a couple of months. Wanting to just go away from him and be happy again like you were at the start of your marriage. You wanted the divorce. And oh yes,

you fucking got it.

One night at 12pm when you were on the verge of tears, waiting for Giyu to come home. He wasnt even on a mission, so where was he ? Just as you began to lose hope the door to your house had slammed open. Revealing a messy haired Giyu. His cheeks pink and blushy. Buttons of his uniform unbuttoned at the top. "Where were you Giyu?"

"Out on a patrol, saving people (Y/n). Cant you ever get that through your thick skull?"

" Dont lie to me Giyu, you didnt have patrols tonight. You were with someone. Just please. Tell me who it is so i can let it go." He didnt even fucking look at you while you were talking.

"Giyu just fucking tell m-"

"It was Kocho god dammit! It was always her! From the first day that i met her i feel in love! I love her more than i will ever love you, she is more perfect in so many ways! I love HER !"

You knew it. It was always her, how could you be so blind all this time?

With one final look at him, you grabbed your bags and headed ot to live with your family. Only until you got back onto your feet and started working somewhere.

Your mama and papa were super supportive along with ypur brother Eiji and big sisters Fumiko and Rina. You found a job as a nurse in a small hospital. And there you met Yuka, he was everything you had ever wanted from a partner. But the most important thing was that you were happy.

Unlike Giyu. Kocho made his life a living hell. Bullying him to such agony, he was happy she died earlyer than him. He cried his heart out. Hoping that maybe one day he will meet you. Adventualy he did, in the hospital. But to what? You didnt remember him.

He cried all night. Wanting to see you again after a week, only to be told you had gone away.

It has now been 3 yeears since you married Yuka and you were very happy. You had twins now! You decided to name them Hiroki and Tsuneo. Both boys having looks on their mother. Only having their fathers strange orange eyes.

As for Giyu, he was still searching for you. He spent all he had on his travels. Including the once precious sword he fought battles with. After some time he had stoped. Lost all hope. Now laying at the back of his house next to the bedroom window. The same one you used to sing through in the morning. In the house you both used to live in, and the house you left.

And there he laid on the grass, blood preciously pouring out of his body. Ravens pecking his skin here and there, blood starting to dry up. Maybe he didnt feel happy in the real world, but here in the afterlife he is widely smilling. Beacause he is here with you, thats all he had. And thats all he will ever get for now. Still hoping that he will find you in another life. Where you will be happy and free of troubles.

But for now this happiness will have to do, until you come back to him again.

[renee-writer]

Feelings Chapter 25

AO3

She woke one morning, able to breath, though she did need the privy bad.  After seeing to that, she takes stock. No pain. The baby is still moving but, is it less?

 

Sitting down at the vanity table, she starts counting. Her hands spread over her child, she determines that it’s bum is on top. A bit farther down, she feels the head. In position then. Good.

 

“The baby has dropped, is head down and ready.” She informs Jamie when he wakes.  Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he yawns.

 

“Will it be today then?”

 

“I don’t know. No pains yet. It still could be a week away or today. God alone knows.”

 

He smiles, stretching, before exiting the bed.

 

“We are ready.” Clods and tiny gowns are stacked on the dresser, she, with the help of her husband and good sister, knitted a pair of botties and a hat. They lay beside the others. The cradle that had sheltered Jamie waits for his son or daughter. Little tartan blankets are housed inside. Yes, they are.

 

“Yes, now it is just up to this wee one.”

 

They watch her carefully all day. Jamie finds chores close to the house. Jenny hovers, Maggie wrapped on her chest. Even Mrs. Cook and Mary McNab find reasons to make their way to the great room, where she rests.

 

Claire sits, swollen feet up, adding notes to her medical journal. All else is done. She wants her family prepared during the time she will be in confinement, in the event of a medical emergency.

 

No baby that day. Or the next. And so on. A week passes. A week that sees Claire visiting the privy every hour it seems.

 

“Get your head of mama’s bladder.” She grouses at one point.

 

She is ready to have this pregnancy done. Yes labor will hurt. It though, is better then carrying this increasingly heavy pre-born baby against her back and bladder.

 

Day eight after her child dropped. Something is different. She feels it in the stillness from her womb.

 

A shot of fear adrenaline floods her blood.

 

“Baby, wake up!” She presses against her bump, then again. It is only a moment in actual time but seems like forever. It moves! Mama is able to breath again.

 

The stillness is the beginning. It doesn’t take long before she realizes that today is the day. The pains start soon after she wakes her child up.

 

She tells the family over breakfast.

 

“Ian, ride out for the midwife.” Jenny is calm. Jamie now…

 

“What do I do? Do you need something? A shot of whiskey maybe?”

 

Claire laughs. “Then your child will come out drunk.”

 

“Making it a true Scott” Jenny adds.

 

They all laugh.

 

She is compelled to walk. After a light breakfast of bannock s and honey, she starts pacing through the house. Kitchen, hall, great room, and then again. Jamie walks with her. He knows that he will be expelled to wait and drink once the midwife comes. He wants to spend as much time with her as possible.

 

When he mentions as much, she replies, “Oh no! You will be right by my side. We made this baby together and will see it into the world, together.”

 

“It isn’t …” at her look, he reverses course, “ wherever you want me, I will be.”

 

“Weel Lady Fraser, it looks like you are on the way. Let’s get you upstairs and stripped down.” Martha, the midwife, says.

 

“Alright, come Jamie.”

 

Martha shakes her head. “No my lady. The child bed is nae place for his Lairdship.”

 

“My husband will be present.” She says. Martha looks to Jamie, who nods.

 

“As you will.”

 

Stripped down to her shift, she paces around the room. Stopping with every pain, she holds onto Jamie, or the bedpost, or the mantle, and groans through them.

 

“No! Dip your hands in the hot water before you touch me!”

 

Martha frowns but does. Laird Fraser’s Sassanach bride sure has some strange ways.

 

“You are almost fully opened.” She reports.

 

“Thank God!” The labor went fast for a first baby. Even so, twelve hours is a long time when it is spend mostly in tearing pain.

 

“Are you sure you wish…?” The look she gives her, silences her, “As you wish.”

 

“Ahhhhh!” she screams, bearing down hard, her fingers white as they cling to his. He kneels behind her, offering support as she brings their baby forth.

 

“It is coming, my lady.”  She is told.

 

 

An hour later

 

“Why it is a braw lass.” The baby is lifted up and handed to her mama, who is laughing through her tears, “Apologies my Laird’.”

 

“For what? For seeing my wife safely delivered.” Then to Claire and his daughter, “Oh she is beautiful.” Even covered with the remnant of her first home, he can see her beauty. He is her daddy and always will.

 

“Julia, for my mum?”

 

He nods, touching his daughter’s  red hair. “Aye, Julia Elizabeth Ellen, after her grannies and mama?”

 

“Perfect.”

[anne-white-star]

Brian may x reader x roger taylor : holiday disaster

Notes : brian roger and reader are on a holliday near the sea swimming and relaxing. But the calm and peacefull holiday turns to one of worry when reader almost drowns because of a big wave crashing in to her. Takes place during the mid 80s. There might be inacuresies like distance and locations.

Sorry if its a mess but enjoy anyway, also don't mind any spelling mistakes thank you

Words: 2286

Warings : angst and drowning

Finaly summer and you know what that means. Nice weather, staying up late listening to music. And just playing around in general, but summer also ment swimming of course.

Y/n had invited Brian and roger along to go to the beach. John had gone away with his wife on holyday while Freddie stayed at home with his boyfriend jim.

She stood outside freddie's house where they spent the night prior and beeped the horn of her car.

Freddie opend up the window "Oh y/n are you here to pick up roger and Brian?"

"Yes i am we are suposed to go to the beach, could you sent them down?"

"Yeah sure, hey! Your taxi is here you better hurry up And don't keep the lady waiting! They are on their way" he smiled

"Thanks Fred, if i find some Nice shels i take them with me for you"

"Thank you y/n you are an absolute sweetheart" he blew her a kiss. At that moment both Brian and roger walked out the front door and placed their stuff in the back of the car. "Ah there They are".

Jim stood behind Freddie and waved "have fun you three and stay safe near the shore, they said that the waves could be quite high at this time of year".

"Don't worry we will be fine"

"Alright have fun" jim and Freddie closed the window.

"Hey boys" she grind and opend the pasenger side door. Brian sat down next to her.

"Hello y/n"

"Hello doll" said roger as he sat down behind her and kissed her cheek "Nice car"

"Thanks Roger it was my dad's car i got it for my birthday a year ago

"Oh Nice do you know what type it is?"

"If im correct its a Tri-Power… 1958 Bonneville convertible" she started the car and drove of towards the beach (idk where the beach is located but lets pretent its 30 minuts away or so)

"Oh verry Nice indeed" he said and placed his sunglasses on his face And leaned back against the Seat.

"So did you two have a good night at Fred his home?"

This time Brian spoke up "yeah it was alright we watched some telly and drank and eat some Nice food thats all."

"Hmm intresting you two wernt intruding to fred and jim their relation ship wernt you two?"

"Oh god no y/n"

"Just joking bri just joking" she laught, y/n focused on the road again "we will be there in 10 minuts i think"

"Yes finaly swimming"

"Calm down roger" Brian laught

Just as y/n had promiced they had arived in 10 minuts at the beach "We have arived". Roger jumped over the side of the car and grabed the beach ball and placed it in the sand. He pulled his shirt and pants off under it weren his swimming trunks. Brian and y/n did the same. (What you Brian and roger wear )

"Nice shorts guys" she huged Brian from behind

"Looking very Nice yourself princess"

"Why thank you" she plucked the sunglasss from roger his face and put them on "oh wow thats to mutch"

Roger grabed his glases from her hands and put them back on "that are my presciption sunglasses sweetheart"

"I should have known, Anyway lets go and play some beach vollyball"

"Alright who against who?"

"Um me against roger first and then you against roger and then me against you, how does that sound?"

"Sure sounds good, i'll keep the points"

"Alright" y/n nodded and waited thil roger was ready "you are going so down blondie"

"Ha! You think (your nickname)"

"Alright start" y/n trew up the ball and shot it over the net. It went a few times and then she shot it to the ground.

"Outch"

"Roger are you alright?"

"Yeah i am don't worry" he smiled. Once the game between y/n and roger was over she won with 5 against 3.

"Alright your turn brian" brian took her place and took his stand. "Ready?"

"Yep" he nodded

"Alright may the best win"

"Its on poodle"

"Hey! Oh you are so going to get it rog" he smirked

The boys played for about 6 minuts thill it was over. It was 4 against 4.

"Alright who makes the next point wins" they both noded, Brian threw up the ball over the net. It went over and over for about 1 minut. Roger won

"Yes!"

"Well done rog, now you and me bri" they both took their stands once again and started the game. Once again 6 minuts later the game was over Brian had won by 5 against 3

"Good game y/n" he smiled

"Thanks" she wiped her face with a towel "Man its really hot ugh"

"Want to go swimming?"

Y/n took off her hat and placed it in her car "Yes i would love to" they all walked to the sea. "Cold cold cold"

Both Brian and roger laughed "yeah no shit y/n"

"Shut up rog" she laughed and splased him

"Hey! My hair, you are going to pay"

"Then you have to get me first." She ran further in to the water

"Be carefull the waves can be quite high" but y/n and roger dint hear him "guys come back don't go to far!"

Y/n had gone in thil her shoulders "try to get me now roger!"

"Roger she really needs to come back" Brian looked concerned

"Y/n! Come back its not save!"

"What?!" All of a sudden a big shadow fell over her, a big wave crashed in to her taking her under.

"Y/n!!" Both roger and Brian screamed as they tried to get to her

Y/n tried to swim up but couldnt wave after wave crashed in on her. She tried to breath but instead she took a big gulp of water in. Y/n was panicking and couldnt breath. She thought of brian and roger how she was going to leave them behind now. Y/n let go of her last breath as the sank to the bottom.

Roger and brian swam to her once they reached her, roger went under and picked her out the water. Both Brian and roger got back to the shore "brian go get help i try cpr we need a ambulance" Brian nodded and ran to get help

"God y/n please don't die on us" roger was literaly crying while trying to push the life back in to her chest. He pinched her nose close and put mouth to mouth "come on! You can't do this to us" all the while he continued to give her cpr.

The sound of sirens filled the air as the ambulance came to a hald on the beach two paremedics climbed out. At the same time Brian ran back to roger "is she alright?!"

"No i still don't have a respond" roger was crying But still preforming cpr

"We will take it from here sir" both the paremedics placed her on the brancard and started to weel her fast to the ambulance

"Can we come with you please?"

"If you drive after us then its fine but we can't take you with us in the ambulance

"Thank you" roger looked up "brian you need to drive i can't"

"Alright, but calm down now roger she's in good hands" Brian huged roger close and rubbed his back "im concerned to but y/n is one tough cookie"

Roger laught a bit " yeah she is..... we should go now" they both walked to the car Brian put the key in and turned it so they went after the ambulance. Once they arived they weeled her in to a hospital room.

In the back of the ambulance they were able to pump the water out of her lungs and get her to breath again, she wasn't conciouse but it was a good sign or so they hope.

Roger and Brian had to wait outside the room where y/n lay because they were doing some tests on her, so they decided to call John and Freddie

"Hello John deacon speaking"

"Hey John its me"

"Oh hey Brian hows everything?"

"It really could be better, we are at the hospital"

John sat up straight "hospital? Why whats wrong?"

"Its Y/n she almost drowned" it was silence on the other end "john?"

"Im on my way right now" and the phone hang up

He turned to roger "john is on his way can you call Freddie?"

"Sure" roger grabed the phone from Brian his hand and dialed Freddie his number

It rang a few times thill he picked up "with freddie Mercury how can i help you?"

"Oh fred thank god you are still home"

"You sound panicked roger whats wrong?"

"We are in the hospital, we were at the beach and we were messing around but y/n almost drowned because of our stuppid antics and..... we almost lost her"

As same with John, roger was met by silence "me and jim are on our way"

"Thanks you see you then"

About 20 minuts later john, Freddie and jim had arived at the hospital, they were waiting for the doctor to give a clear sign so that they could go in and see her.

A doctor walked in to the waiting room "wel we have good news and bad news, the good news is we managed to get all the water out of her lungs and she's breathing on her own, the bad news is that she's still unconsiouse"

"Oh thank goodness" brian placed a hand over his heart

"We did a couple of tests to see if there was anything ells like damege to the lungs but thats not the case, once she wakes up And taken care off she can go home"

"Thank you doctor, may we please see her?"

"Of course, if there is anything needed let us know"

"Thank you we will" the group walked in to the room, it was pretty light in there, it looked like they had walked in to heaven, John and Brian grabed a chair and sat down next to the bed while roger, Jim and freddie sat down at the table near the window.

"We should never have gone to the beach, this is all my fault"

"Roger don't be to harsh on yourself, it could have happend to anyone" Freddie placed his hand on Roger his shoulder

"But im the idiot who chased her in, im at fault"

Brian spoke up "rog it really isnt we all should have been more carefull, but like the doctor said everything will be alright, she just needs to wake up, and she will we just got to wait"

"Mabey you are right" he sighed and placed his hand under his chin and looked out the window.

A few hours had gone by without any indecation of her yet waking up, so they decided to leave and get some food, during the time they were gone y/n started to stire and wake up

"Ugh were am i? Why does my chest hurt so mutch" y/n blinked a few times against the light "this isnt my bedroom" she tried to sit up but couldnt because of the pain, plastic patches were put on her chest that were conected to the heart monitor she looked at them confused "what the hell happend?" Then y/n remembered, the beach, vollyball and roger chasing her and then the wave...."Oh god i almost drowned"

Then the door opend And the guys walked in with food and drinks, Brian looked up from the conversation "y/n you are awake!" He ran to her side and grabed her hand in his "we were so worried about you"

"Hey bri" She smiled softly "im sorry for worrying you all i dint mean for this to happen"

Roger stoot at the otherside of the bed and grabed her other hand "i shouldnt have chased you in to the water it was dangerous and i was so stuppid for doing so it almost got you killed"

"I know rog and im sorry to i should have watched out What i was doing" she squeezed their hands and gave a light kiss on them

John, jim and Freddie watched as they gave echoter their apolgies, and then the doctor walked in "ah miss y/l/n good to see that you are awake" he looked at the papers in his hand "everything seems to be in oder, do your lungs hurt?"

"A tiny bit but i asume it will go away in a few days"

"Yes it wil" he gave a smile "wel then if everything is alright and nothing hurts then you may go home"

"Really? Oh thats wonderfull thank you" then she looked down at her chest and pointed at patches that were still in its place "um about these"

"Oh don't worry a nurse will come soon and remove them for you"

"Alright thank you". About 10 minuts later the nurse came in to remove the patches, john freddie and jim had brought some clothes with them on their way to the hospital, once she got dressed they went on their way to go home "are you willing to drive Brian?"

"Yes of course i am, anything for you y/n". Roger went again with Brian and y/n while Jim and Freddie went with john.

"Wel see you all later i think its time for a lazy afternoon" said y/n as she waved them goodbye. Both roger and Brian stayed the night with her to make sure that everything would be going fine now. They promiced echoter that of they would go to the beach again one day that they would be more carefull.

The end

I hope you all enjoyed reading. ♥️♥️♥️

[mymelodyheart]

Miles Between Us Chapter 12 ~Obstacle Course ~

Previously in Suspicious Minds ...

Caught up in the awkwardness of the moment, Claire bit her bottom lip. "Well, I guess that's settled then. We best get going before Mary does something like bite some poor soul's head at the airport." Claire's attempt to sound cheerful lessened the tension in the air but not the one on Jamie's shoulders. She turned to him and tried to take her bags off his hands, but he couldn't seem to let go. "Jamie ...my bags," she whispered, her hand running up and down his forearm as if to tell him everything was going to be alright.

But instead of giving Claire's bags back to her, he begrudgingly handed them to Christie. They had a few seconds of stare off until Claire's hands on his face forced him to look at her.

"Jamie, kiss me, goodbye?"

He didn't hesitate at her request and sucked on her bottom lip as she made a sobbing noise. That wee noise she made jolted something free inside of him, and he, too, wanted to cry. He couldn't remember wanting to openly cry before. Not like this. He couldn't control it, stealing oxygen from his lungs, but Claire's touches soothed him. 

  If you wish to read this on AO3, here is the link.

If you wish to read this from the beginning:

AO3 link

Tumblr link

"The monster is only scary while it is in the closet.

Once in the light,

you can see its many flaws

and weaknesses.

And often,

we end up laughing,

at what we shield our eyes from

no more."

-Tom Althouse

 Meticulously scanning the busy vicinity, Claire stopped in the middle of the airport's arrival area and whirled on the spot, impatiently tapping her phone against her thigh. Come on, Hawkins, where the bloody hell are you?  Though she and Tom were painfully late, she didn't want to blame their tardiness on Jamie, so instead, she held the gridlock on the motorway and the rain responsible. And whyever not? If it hadn't been for Mary coming to Inverness unannounced, she would be with Jamie right now, making up for lost time and talking about his therapy from this morning. Why in heaven's name had the responsibility of Mary landed on her shoulder of all days? She sighed. It must be another perk of being John Grey's ultra-reliable and never-can-say-no star employee, she reminded herself with an inward groan. 

On the way to the airport, Claire had been quiet throughout the drive and was grateful to Tom for not prodding about what happened. To her relief, he'd just given her an understanding smile and drove. Thinking of Jamie's tortured face when he'd arrived at the cottage, it had taken a lot of willpower on her part to get into the car and leave him by the roadside looking after her with a forlorn expression. His words had played on repeat until she had to do a mental scold to remind herself she had work to do and assured herself she'd see him soon enough. She'd wanted him to be alright before she left to ensure him she hadn't changed her mind about them. Though she'd hurt not hearing from him after he'd disappeared, she knew his actions had been done in consideration of her, and that notion prevented her anger from taking over. Her feeling of abandonment over what he'd done was also tempered with her annoyance at Jenny. Jamie's sister's meddling was just so wrong on all sorts of level. In the middle of Jamie leaving her, Willie checking to make sure she was alright, and Jenny coming this morning, she'd gone back and forth between a place of strength and feeling like a lamb in the eye of a hurricane. But now, as she attempted to find the anger, the rage she'd felt after discovering the newspaper clipping about her house in Jenny's possession and the interference with Jamie's love life, she couldn't find it anymore.

Sensing Tom approaching, she recentred herself and smiled in his direction. "There you are.".

"Any luck?" he asked, coming to stand next to her and looking around.

"Nope," she replied, pressing her fingers to her forehead and massaging a sudden ache as she was reminded of the reason why they were there. "How did you get a parking space so quick?"

"I have my ways." When she arched an eyebrow, he grinned at her. "I have a disabled parking permit."

Claire stopped and glared at him. "Tom!"

He ignored her disapproving expression and shrugged. "So, who are we looking for?"

She shook her head and looked around for Mary once more. It shouldn't be this difficult to spot her because she usually stood out. "An overdressed, attractive petite brunette with loads of attitude," she replied, absentmindedly. "And probably with a trolley full of luggage."

More people walked past them making their search more difficult. She was about to make another phone call to Mary when Tom whistled under his breath. "Weel, weel," he murmured, his gaze ticking past her shoulder and turning thoughtful. "I wonder if the lass walking towards us is yer Hawkins." His lips twisted into a smile. "She looks mighty pissed."

"Wot?" She spun around and drew her brows together as she saw a familiar figure approaching them. What the hell? Is that Mary? It could only be her. The woman struggling with an oversized suitcase on wheels stood out like a mini bolt of lightning in her designer four-inch heels, pristine, skinny white jeans and black fur-lined down jacket. But there was something different about the way Mary looked, and it took a few seconds before Claire realised she had done something to her hair. She nearly gasped out loud. But as soon as Mary made eye contact, Claire immediately braced herself for some telling off for being late. Mary stopped, her mouth opening and closing as if she couldn't find the words to voice her displeasure. Claire schooled her features and met her leaden glare without flinching. "Mary? I hardly recognised you."

Mary's brown eyes prettily widened, and her expression softened as some kind of realisation dawned on her. "Oh! Of course ...you couldn't have." A sound of delight puffed out of her. "I had my hair done in Paris. Now we have the same curls. If only I was as tall as you, we'll probably be mistaken as sisters." She missed Claire's intake of breath as she ran her delicate fingers through her locks. "Do you like it?"

No, I don't! What have you done to your beautiful hair? You look like a poodle! Claire swallowed hard, tilted her head to her side, and contemplated the best way to tell Mary the truth. But she didn't have the heart to say it. Instead, she opted for something closer to the truth. "Well, for starters, it looks unusual. I'm so used to seeing your beautiful straight hair. I guess it will take time getting used to," she admitted. But when a slight frown drifted across Mary's face, Claire felt bad. Taking a deep breath, she laughed nervously as she fluffed her own hair. "Look at these ...after all these years, I'm still not used to mine, and I have a bit of hate relationship with it, especially when it gets humid or when I looked at the mirror first thing in the morning. So bear with me if I'm not much into curls."

It took Mary a long time to respond. "Oh, well," she replied with a subdued smile. "You should have seen John's face when he first saw my hair. He looked shocked." She shrugged. "But in the end, he did say it was beginning to grow on him. I guess everyone's used to my limp, lifeless hair."

Ah, bless John. Claire knew his expression wouldn't have been able to hide what was on his mind, and it wouldn't have bode well for him if Mary had been able to read his face. Mary was their star author whose new book could likely save his publishing company from potential financial ruin, and anyone pointing out her disastrous new hairstyle would probably only result in tantrums and more delays in publication. She sighed. "It wasn't limp, Mary. You had beautiful, straight hair. You have no idea what I would give to have manageable straight hair like what you had." And that was the truth.

Mary perked up a bit and rolled her eyes. "Oh, God, don't make me like you even more."

They shared a slow smile, and Claire was about to make a different compliment that didn't include Mary's hair when Tom cleared his throat and stepped forward, giving them a charming smile. "Ladies, sorry to interrupt, but shall we get cracking? My car is not parked in the most ideal of places."

"Oh, of course, I'm so sorry ..." Claire had almost forgotten about Tom, too fascinated by Mary's new hairstyle. She gave him an apologetic look and turned to Mary. "Oh, by the way, may I introduce you to ..." she trailed off and stopped.

Mary's expression looked like the heavens had just opened up and bestowed them an angel. Her lips moved, but no sound came, but when she did finally found her voice, it sounded raspy. "Is this your Jamie that John was talking about?"

Claire pried Mary's hand from her suitcase. "No, this is Tom. He's offered to drive me here to pick you up."

Tom grinned and offered his hand in greeting. "A pleasure to finally meet ye, Mary. I've read a couple of yer books, and I must say, not only are ye a talented writer but a beautiful one too."

Claire mentally groaned but kept the frustration from her face at bay. Tom must have noticed Mary's reaction and had taken his flirting a notch higher. When Mary continued to stare, Claire gently nudged her with her elbow. "Mary. Shake Tom's hand, and let's go."

Mary shook her way out of her trance and smiled. "Oh, I think this is going to be a very, very interesting visit," she gushed, finally back to her being her old self again. But instead of shaking Tom's hand, she hooked her arm into his, leaving Claire with the suitcase. "So Tom ...can you recommend a perfect place to eat? I'm quite famished and can't work on an empty stomach."

Tom obliged and patted Mary's hand. "Dinnae fash, I ken just the place."

With that, Mary looked over her shoulder and winked. All Claire could do was smile back and hope they would be able to get some work done. Because if not, and there's any more cause to delay Hawkin's books, come hell or high water, she's quitting Dreamweaver.

...........

Two Days Later

Stepping out of the shower, Jamie immediately zeroed in on his phone just in case he'd missed a call from Claire. They'd briefly talked last night, and she'd reminded him of uncle Lamb's arrival, which should be between now and the evening. If all goes to plan with Mary Hawkins, Claire should be coming back too. Hopefully, tonight, he thought with a sigh. It was already late Saturday afternoon, and his work was done for the weekend. Plenty of time left to get his shit together. 

Since Claire had left for Inverness, he hadn't had time to think. His brother had kept him busy with tasks and paperwork, and, on top of it all, he'd been distracted trying to comfort a distressed sister. Jenny had told him what had transpired between her and Claire. And how she'd been out of her mind, thinking she'd ruined their relationship. He'd consoled her, and in turn, she'd apologised profusely for her meddling. Her sincerity had touched him, but moreover, he couldn't help feeling amused at the thought of Jenny finally meeting her match. Though Claire was a gentle and thoughtful soul, he knew she was not the type to be bossed around. And in as much as he loved his sister, he was glad Claire put Jenny in her place and hoped after everything had been said and done, they can all move on from that incident and forgive.

Despite barely having time to be alone with his sometimes chaotic thoughts, he'd still managed to feel anxious about Christie. Jamie learned he hadn't returned to Broch Mordha, which led him to ponder if Christie was spending time with Claire. It was a lapse of insecurity, and that notion had been rubbished straight away since he knew how important Claire's work was to her. So there should be no pressure on his chest or icy tingling along his spine. 

There shouldn't be, but somehow there was.

Jamie was just shrugging into a fresh sweatshirt when his doorbell rang. He glanced at the wall clock and wondered who it was. Claire hadn't given a specific time for Quentin's arrival, and if it had been her at the door, she should've let herself in with the spare key he'd given her.

"Coming!" he shouted as the doorbell rang once more. He took a deep breath expecting uncle Lamb to be standing out there. Bracing himself. he flung the door open and was surprised to see who it was. "Ge- ... I mean Dr Dunsany!"

"Hi, Jamie!" Geneva greeted. "You may call me Geneva, you know ...since we're not in my office. May I come in?"

Jamie narrowed his gaze and looked past her shoulder. He could see Mrs Fitz from across the street pretending to fuss over some leaves in her garden when really he could tell she's prying into his business. There were talks already surrounding Claire being seen with Tom, and it wouldn't do him good if words of Geneva coming to his cottage got around, no matter how innocent the visit was. He gave Geneva an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I'm kinda busy," he withdrew, glancing casually at his watch. "I ... there's... I'm expecting a visitor. "

"Oh! But this won't take long." She stood there with laid back confidence that lured most men to look their fill. He neutrally eyed the slim-fitting turtle neck that hugged her breast and tight jeans that hung low, her scarlet painted lips pursed in a pretty pout. "I wanted to talk about the session we had the other day," she added quickly.

Jamie crossed his arms across his chest. "Couldn't this wait until our next appointment?"

She took a cautious step closer, her expensive scent drifting in the air. "I'd rather talk about it now. This is just not about your therapy." Her blue eyes seductively landed on his lips. "I want to discuss something personal too."

"Sorry, personal won't do, I'm afraid. Ye're my therapist."

"Jamie, how long have we known each other?"

"Long enough ..."

She smiled, her hand brushing something away from his shoulder. "What's wrong? Surely your girlfriend won't mind your therapist coming over to check up on your progress, will she? We live in a small place, and we all know each other here."

"Her name is Claire ..."

"And I heard she's with Tom? Is that right?"

He smothered a sigh as he could tell what this was all about. Though Geneva was an attractive lass, he'd always only felt a minor buzz for her, which paled to the mind-blowing reaction Claire caused with just a single look. Where Claire was never more than anything but herself, Geneva always tried too hard. And it wasn't just all physical with Claire. It was their connection to each other's mind and soul. The way she made it easy for him to allow her to see his vulnerability and the way she'd let him in when no promises had been made on his part when they first met. Thinking back to the other day, he shook his head. He'd known the steaming anger that had risen within him when he'd first heard of Claire meeting with Tom and how that rumour almost made him lose his sense of judgement. He could not allow room for any gossip to go around, especially when Claire was away. Geneva should definitely not come in. 

"Look, as ye can see, I'm fine. I dinnae think it's a good idea us meeting like this. Let's keep personal stuff away and keep this professional, aye?"

She took a while to accept his dismissal. Sheer frustration swept over her face before she managed to compose herself. He tried to offer any semblance of an apology, but she cut him off. "I'm the one who understands your condition and how tough it is to live a normal life with your PTSD. And I know better than anyone else right now how to handle it."

Irritation coasted down his back. "There's no doubt you're a brilliant therapist, Geneva. But I am much more than a textbook scenario. Something Claire has always understood."

"But for how long, Jamie?"

"That is none of your concern," he said cooly. "Now, please go as I have things to do."

Her back straightened with steely dignity, and Jamie could tell every movement was measured to create the most dramatic effect. It was another detail he found unattractive and probably why he'd never acted on Geneva's crush for him. "Here's my theory," she began in a low voice. "You're just with her because you needed to fix someone, and she fits the bill. That's what you've been doing all your life - fixing everyone's problem. You'll never be happy, Jamie, if you keep repeating the same pattern over and over again."

He swallowed his anger. "How I choose to live my life is my concern, and if it means repeating the same pattern, then so be it. Forcing me to see things the way you want me to will only piss me off. So while I still have patience, please go."

He took a tentative step backwards, waiting for her to leave so he could close the door. Instead of walking away, she took him by surprise and threw herself against him, looping her arms around his neck and pressing her lips against his.

Christ! Repelled by the assault, he grasped her shoulder and pushed her away. "What the bloody hell was that?" he gritted angrily.

Face red, she squared her shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. "Mark my words, it's just a matter of time before Claire is unable to deal with your PTSD anymore. I know the pattern, and I've seen it a million times. Most men with this condition end up alone because no one fully understands the extent of what they go through. Oh sure, the people in their lives say they understand but do they really? It's a scary thing for most and an uncomfortable situation to live in. As for me ... I know, and I understand, and I can handle it because I've studied and worked with people like you. And when that day comes, and she leaves you for good, know that I'll be here waiting." 

"Just because you know my history, it doesn't make ye an expert in knowing how my life will turn out to be. And ye don't know a thing about Claire, her heart, her resilience ..."

She snorted in disgust. "You just wait and see." With that, she turned around and walked off. 

He almost choked. Has the lass gone mad? His skin crawled with icy foreboding as he glanced across the street, his eyes searching for his neighbour. To his relief, Mrs Fitz was no longer stood in the garden to witness Geneva's kiss. A sudden ugly thought came to him, and he wondered what Claire would do if she'd been in his position. Jamie shook his head and immediately dismissed the notion. Tom wouldn't dare. Jamie had already made sure, loud and clear, that Claire was off-limits.

When Geneva's kiss drifted back to the forefront of his mind, he grimaced. His first impulse was to ignore the whole incident. But on second thoughts, he should tell Claire in case words of it reached her before he could explain. He wasn't a hundred per cent sure no one had witnessed that weird occurrence, and if someone did, it would surely be tonight's topic on every dinner table in Broch Mordha. Worriedly, he glanced up and down his street and only saw an unfamiliar car and driver on the phone. Probably Mrs Fitz's new guest, he figured. Satisfied with that thought, he shut the door.

Attempting to get his composure back before he called Claire, he headed for the sideboard in his dining area, grabbed a bottle of whisky, and poured himself a measure. He threw back a shot, his eyes watering slightly in deference to the burn that slid down his throat. He was about to pour another one when the doorbell rang. Again.

What does she want now? He slammed the glass down on the dining table and made his way back to the door. This time he was going to tell Geneva to cancel his therapy appointment. The lass was mad, and he hadn't known the extent of it until today. He'd always thought of her crush for him as a harmless fancy, but obviously, with Jenny's meddling, she'd set her hopes up. This time, he's had enough. With irritation simmering in his guts, he opened the door ...

And was met by an imposing figure obstructing the daylight. 

Jamie heard an unintelligible grunt in greeting, and the smell of tobacco invaded his nostrils. He peered at the face, but it was shadowed by a wide-brimmed fedora hat and several days worth of stubble. He blinked to rid the cobwebs threading patterns on his brain and forced his body to straighten to its full height.

"What's that on your mouth?" the man growled.

What the ...? "Quentin?" 

"You got lipstick on!"

Horror swooped in as Jamie realised he was still exhibiting the evidence of Geneva's kiss. He immediately swiped the back of his hand across his mouth and instantly felt nauseated when he saw the smudged scarlet on his knuckles. Jesus! "It's not ... it's..."

"It's not my niece's," the older man finished with a cock of his bushy eyebrow.

"It's not mine either," Jamie retorted without thinking. Ah, bloody fuck! "I mean ... it's not what ye think."

"I would certainly hope it's not yours." Quentin narrowed his eyes at him, taking his measure. Jamie did the same to him. He wondered what the man was thinking, but Claire's uncle spoke again before he got a chance. "Well, are you letting me in, or are we just going to stare at each other like a couple of dafties?"

Who the fuck does he think he is? But he quickly reminded himself this was Claire's uncle, so he slightly softened his stance. Swallowing the sour taste in his mouth, Jamie took a step back and motioned Quentin into his home. "Come in." 

Ignoring Jamie's dark look, Quentin strode into his cottage, but he's brought up short when he saw the whisky and shot glass on the dining table. He plopped his sling bag onto the chair, opened it, pulled out a tequila bottle and placed it on the table. Then he turned around and slid his hands into his pockets. "You and I, lad, are going to talk before my niece arrives." 

Jamie shut the door and eyed Quentin, carefully pondering his words. As he'd suspected, Quentin was very much like Harry but with broader shoulders, an intense darker face, and eyes that seemed to flash with diabolical laughter. It was a face that had probably seen too much in his lifetime. All his mannerisms were large, confident and perfectly balanced, like those of a wild cat, and when he stood in his space like this, he appeared to be a wild animal held in a cage too inadequate for it. His features might be similar to Harry's, but yet, their difference was like night and day.

A scoff rasped his throat. "I've had enough forced therapy for the week, thank ye very much."

"If I didn't know you any better, I would have bloodied your nose after seeing that lipstick on your mouth."

"If ye're dying to punch me on the face, then give me yer best shot. I dinnae have to explain anything to ye. I've done nothing wrong."

"No, you haven't," Quentin sighed, nodding his head. "I saw what passed."

Jamie absorbed that while keeping his features impassive. "And yet ye're still judging me."

Quentin's mouth twitched, but his eyes remained serious. "I'm not."

"Right from the start, it felt like ye've been giving me the first degree."

Quentin disregarded his words with a shrug. "I was just making sure Claire's in good hands. She's all I have."

Jamie understood the sentiment. He would have probably done the same if he'd been in Quentin's shoes. Christ, hadn't he felt like committing murder when he'd first found out about Tom?

"We've met before, you know?" Quentin interrupted his thoughts.

Jamie's head shot up.

"Way before our video chat," the older man revealed. "But I figured you don't remember."

He didn't, so he shook his head.

Quentin took off his hat and slapped it against his thigh before placing it on the table. "Claire recently told me she just found out that it was you and your godfather, ...Murtagh...I believe his name was, who saved her from the car accident. She asked me if I knew." Quentin paused to discern Jamie's expression. When he couldn't seem to read anything, he proceeded. "I admitted I did and ..."

"Ye knew who I was?"

"No. Not until you told me your family name and mentioned Lallybroch near the end of our video chat. I thought Claire would be angry for not telling her, but she didn't say much else except that both of you have been clueless all these years. So if you have any questions about what happened, I'll fill in the void for you if it'll help you move on."

Jamie shoved a hand through his hair. Feeling suddenly restless, he went to the drinks' cabinet to retrieve shot glasses. He grabbed the tequila bottle, uncapped it, and poured two equal measures. "So now you want to diagnose me? Is that it?"

"Diagnose you for what?"

Jamie realised Quentin knew nothing of his condition. Claire hadn't told her uncle. He ignored the question and handed the shot to Quentin. "Why bring it up now?"

Quentin took the offered glass, raised a silent toast with Jamie, and simultaneously threw back the shot. They both flinched at the heat. "I owe you the truth," Quentin replied, placing the shot glass on the table. "Take it or leave it. I've been silent about it for years. Tell me what you remember, and I'll tell you everything you want to know."

Did he really want to know? The past would eventually catch up and come out, that much Jamie knew, so he might as well have it out in the open. Taking a deep breath, he paced to the window and with his back to Quentin, he began recounting what he could remember from the accident. He waited for the white noise or the torture to start swarming in his head, but to his astonishment, they never came. Though the memory of that fateful day was more vivid than ever, its power to hold him in a choke was diminished. The words flowed with ease, and it began to feel like he was describing someone else's story. When he was done, he turned around and saw just in time a shadow passed across the older man's face. He looked like ten years have been shaved off his life.

Quentin took a seat and clasped his hands together. "I lied to you the day when we first met."

Jamie stilled and looked at Quentin. "What do ye mean?"

"I was in Cairo when I heard the news of the accident. I immediately took the first plane out and headed here. I was told Claire was being taken care of by your parents and that both of you were inseparable. When I arrived at Lallybroch, you were holding Claire in your lap like she was the most precious thing." Quentin paused and smiled at the memory before descending back to that sad place in his head. "But when you laid eyes on me, that's when you lost it and started screaming. Claire screamed along with you ...God, it was awful. At that time, it hadn't truly sunk in what happened to my brother and his wife, and it was torture to see you kids in such pain." Quentin shook his head. "You were shouting something like ...I should be dead and that you've seen me go up in flames. You see, I've been told beforehand you'd witnessed the accident, and that's when it occurred to me you thought I was Harry. So I did what I thought was best at that moment ...I knelt before you and fibbed. Only because nothing could calm you down, and I wanted to ease your distress. I pretended to be Harry and told you I wasn't dead, and when you asked how I got away, I made up some story like managing to crawl out the last minute. Somehow that little white lie quieted you down."

"I honestly don't remember that part," Jamie whispered, taking a seat across from Quentin. "But in saying that, all the memories of that day are just beginning to resurface. I'm just starting to remember again. It all began when ..."

"When you met Claire for the second time," Quentin finished for him.

Jamie nodded with a small smile as he watched Quentin stood up and poured them another shot. 

Quentin gazed at him with all the seriousness. "May I ask you a question?" 

"Ask away." 

Quentin pushed the shot glass towards him. "What if, instead of Harry, you were the one that died that day?" He paused and looked directly into his eyes. "What do you think would you have missed in the years that came after?" 

Jamie frowned. "Why would ye ask such a thing?"

Quentin sighed. "Because lately, I've been asking myself the same question every day. I've searched for the answer going back through almost twenty years, and I've come up with almost nothing. Besides Claire coming into my life, I have nothing to show. Of course, there were a few memorable moments when I was granted an acknowledgement of merit for my work. And then there were a few rare occasions I got to spend time with Claire. But between those scraps of time, there's only a grey empty void. The rest of my days were spent going through the motions, keeping a barrier between me and the world. I realised, ever since my brother died, I've been living in fear that the same fate could befall me ... that's why I've never married. So you see now, Jamie, I haven't been living at all. And I don't want you to make that mistake."

Jamie gave a wistful smile. "I see that, and with everything happening, I'm just starting to understand. We all have to walk around lugging a past, getting from one step to the next. Just need a healthy way to release it, as Claire often reminded me enough." When Jamie saw Quentin nodding in agreement, he saw an opportunity. He cleared his throat and straightened himself. He'd just bonded with Claire's uncle, so surely that should mean something. "So ....Quentin," he began nervously, "does this mean ye're fine with me being with Claire?"

Claire's uncle went back to looking like he wanted to rip a head off. "No. I've just arrived after a long flight, and you haven't offered me anything. I haven't eaten in the last six hours, and you're asking me if I'm okay with you being with Claire? So far, all you've done is open the tequila bottle without thanking me for it and nought to impress me."

Ah, shite! Hearing that, he pushed himself to his feet. "I ken a few good places that serve excellent pub grub," he said rapidly.

"Do you not have food in your kitchen, lad?"

"Aye, I do, but since ye're starving, I thought it would be easier if we got something out," Jamie reasoned. "So, what do ye have in mind?"

Quentin glowered at him before slugging back the rest of his shot. "Somewhere where they serve greasy food."

Jamie stopped. "But Claire said yer heart ..."

"The greasier, the better," Quentin growled.

It was clear to Jamie he's still miles away from wholly winning over Quentin. He reckoned he's probably not going to win that battle today, and one plate of greasy food was not going to kill Claire's uncle. Ah, hell! Didn't his ma once said that the way to someone's heart is through one's stomach? There's a chance that this could still work. But before he could say anything, his phone buzzed, and he almost knocked over the chair, trying to grab it. "It's Claire."

Quentin rolled his eyes.

Jamie quickly read Claire's message and smiled. Ah, there's a God after all! He glanced up at Quentin. "She's coming back home tonight."

"I knew that! Now, how about that nosh you were on about."

"Aye ...right ...I ken just the place."

..........

Five Hours Later

"This is a shithole!" Quentin grumbled, slurring his words and shoving his unfinished plate of Bangers and Mash away from him.

Tough shite! Jamie glanced out the window and then looked back at the time on his watch. Damn it! A plate of food each, five pints of lager for Quentin and three pints for him later, still no word from Claire, and if she didn't come home soon, Quentin would drink him under the table. As it was, he's feeling rather tipsy already.

"You know what?" Quentin tipped the bottom of the pint glass in his direction. "Since we arrived here, you kept looking out that window every few minutes. Am I boring you, or is there something interesting out there? If so, care to share?"

Jamie blew out a breath. "Just wondering when Claire's coming home. Haven't heard from her since her last message.."

"Is that why you're looking outside? Does she know we're here?"

"No! Christie is bringing her back from Inverness." 

"Who's Christie?"

"Some bloke."

"So what's outside? You keep looking out there."

Damn, so many questions! Jamie pointed his finger towards the window. "See that red door over there? Christie lives in that building, first floor, window facing the street. We'd know when they've arrived."

"Is that why you brought me here so you could check every once in a while if Claire's arrived?"

The older man was on to him, but Jamie wasn't about to admit it. "You wanted greasy food, did ye not?"

Quentin shrugged without answering. 

Jamie checked his phone again and agitatedly rubbed a hand behind his neck. What's taking them so long? Wicked thoughts were beginning to seep in. Has Claire, by any chance, heard about Geneva's visit and kiss? It wouldn't be an impossibility as rumours tended to make their way out of Broch Mordha. A part of him knew that the alcohol was dulling his reason, so he mentally shook himself. He should have called Claire earlier, right after Geneva left and told her what happened, but of course, Quentin's arrival had interrupted him from doing just that.

"Stop fidgeting. You're making me nervous."

"I'm just worried Claire would hear about that kiss ye witness earlier before I get to explain myself." 

A heartbeat passed. For the first time since Jamie had known Quentin, his tough demeanour slipped, and something akin to amusement flashed through. "Don't worry. If she's heard about it, she would have given you her two pennies worth by now, and that's putting it mildly. Of course ...worst-case scenario, you'll end up with your ears ringing for days after she's done telling you off." He smirked and raised his pint to his lips, his actions revealing he was only teasing. Jamie reined in his frustration and let it go without comment.

Obviously emboldened by Jamie's silence, Quentin leaned forward. "So, have you bought flowers for Claire for when she returns?"

"No."

"Why not? It would help your cause in case Claire heard about that kiss."

Jamie glared at Quentin. "Thanks for rubbing that in. But I dinnae have time. I was too busy entertaining ye. Besides, I bought her fruits. She loves fruits. I even bought her a variety of them."

The older man's eyes bugged out. "She's got you eating healthy too, huh?"

"Nothing wrong with that," Jamie muttered. "She likes chocolates too. I got her a big box of it. Lindt."

Quentin glanced out the window to his side and perked up. "Hey, someone just went through that red door. I don't know what Christie looks like, but it could be anyone."

Jamie followed his gaze, and sure enough, the red door was just closing. He glanced back at his phone on the table, and though he knew he would hear the sound of notification, he still needed to look to assure himself. There was still no message.

"First-floor window light just went on," Quentin observed in a low voice. "That's Christie's place, right?"

His head snapped up. "What?"

"Oh, look, that's Claire, looking out. I know that hair anywhere."

Jamie looked and saw Claire just in time before she moved away from the window and pulled the curtain. He swallowed the odd lump in his throat. What the hell is she doing in Christie's place? Then it all came rushing in, in full force. He'd left Claire on her own because of his stupid panic attacks, and when he'd finally come to his senses, it was probably too late because Christie had already entered the picture. And now everything that Geneva had told him earlier was coming to fruition. No, no!

A split second later, Jamie burst out the pub's front entrance and ran across the street, Quentin not far behind him.

This cannae be happening. This is the worse nightmare ever. Ach Christ, please dinnae let this be true. Please. She's my lass. Mine. No, no, no. Oh fuck, I need her.

Thunder roared in his ears, and he'd only vaguely managed to process Quentin's remark on his overreaction and something about alcohol consumption. But all he could think of was how he and Claire needed to talk, now. He couldn't accept their relationship was over when it hadn't had a chance yet. 

Jamie stopped in front of Christie's building and looked up the window, shouting Claire's name, while Quentin manically pressed the buzzer for the first floor. A few passersby eyed them warily, and a voice called from somewhere, "what the bloody hell, Fraser!" probably thinking they'd gone off their nuts, but he couldn't give a fuck. His heart hammered wildly, unable to think straight. All he could see was Claire with Christie, together. He groaned miserably, the very thought chilling him to the bone. Oh, please, God no!

No one responded to Quentin's incessant buzzing, and when he tried to yank on the knob, it didn't budge. It remained lock.

Jamie gathered a few stones that he could find on the cobbled street and started pelting Christie's window, roaring Claire's name on top of his lungs. His effort was rewarded when the curtain slid open, and he saw Claire looking down, her hair all wild and loose. But by now, they've also attracted a wee crowd that stood in a semi-circle behind him. He didn't take notice and focused his attention on the woman above.

"Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp! Don't ye dare leave me!" He shouted. "We love each other, remember? I was a prick for leaving ye on yer own when ye came to Scotland to be with me. I promise ye this will never happen again. And whatever problem we have together, we can fix this. Ye understand me?" He fell on his knees, grateful for the pain shooting up his thighs because his heart was breaking into thousand pieces. "I ken I could be a selfless arse, but I'm working on being a better person for ye ...for us. We've only known each other for a short while, but it's enough for me to see that ye're the one for me. Forever. I love ye with all my heart, Sassenach, and I cannae imagine life without ye."

Jamie paused to get his breathing back to normal and give Claire a chance to respond. But she remained immobile and continued to stare down at him. The crowd behind whispered and tittered, probably thinking he'd finally lost all his marbles. He even heard someone murmuring about him having had a bit too much to drink. But he didn't care even when he saw Quentin's shaking head, most likely in disgust at him. A hand touched his shoulder, but he shrugged it off, only focused on getting through Claire. "What do I need to do to make ye, believe me, Sassenach? Ye ken, I'll do anything to prove to ye how much I love ye. Does he ken the things I do? Like ...like what song makes ye smile? I can sing it for ye if that's what it would take." When the silence lingered, except for the hush sounds from behind him, Jamie puffed out a silent curse. "Christ ... I'll do it. For ye, ye hear me? I'll sing that damn song. Just so ye ken, I meant every word I said." 

Then he stood up from his kneeling position and gave Rick Astley a run for his money. 

..........

Hands on her chest, Claire stood inert behind Jamie, listening with interest as he belted out Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give you Up in a scratchy voice. She tilted her head to the side and watched in fascination his stiff, sparse hip movement that went with his song. She'd wanted to alleviate Jamie's suffering and save him from further embarrassment, but midway through his moving speech, she'd caught a glimpse of her uncle. He'd given her a warning shake of his head, telling her to let Jamie finish pouring his heart out. So with a sigh, she stood back and waited. 

Oh, Jamie, Jamie!

This beautiful, rugged giant of a man and former SAS soldier was singing to her as though his life depended on it. How could he think she'd left him? She needed to put her arms around him and reassure him that he's the one for her too and that there's been nobody else but him.

"Jamie!" she rasped. When he didn't hear her, she cleared her throat and tried again. "Jamie! It's me, Claire!"

Jamie stopped and whipped around, his eyes taking her in, in total disbelief. "Sassenach?" he whispered. "It's ye."

Her throat constricted. "Uh-huh."

His head jerked back up to the window and then back to Claire. He looked as though he wanted to believe he was really seeing her but could not see past his fear just yet. "To whom the bloody hell was I proclaiming my love to then if ye were stood here all along?" he asked, throat working with emotion.

"You were singing to Mary Hawkins, Jamie," she croaked. "The star author of our publishing company."

"And what the hell is she doing up at Christie's place?"

Claire grimaced. This was really a sensitive subject, and they were talking about a public figure, and a small crowd was watching them. So she stepped closer and spoke in a low voice. "I think Mary and Tom have a thing for each other. And I have a sneaking suspicion ..." she glanced up at the window above where Mary still stood. "Tom is not going to be please when he finds out it was you who interrupted whatever they're up to."

"James Fucking Fraser!"

It was Tom, wherever he was shouting from. Jamie didn't wait to find out because, in one quick movement, he took Claire's hand and made short work of getting them into the dark alley to the applause and cheers of the bystanders. Laughing, they ran and ran until they were far away enough from prying eyes. And there in the darkened path, its only illumination coming from the full moon above, they found one another once again in each other's arms.

Dear Readers,

Firstly, thank you all for your feedback in the previous chapter. I'm going to keep this short as I still tire easily.

As I've mentioned before, I haven't been well the last few days; hence the delay for this instalment. I hope you enjoyed this one. If there are any inconsistencies and grammar mistakes, I blame them on my medication. Haha! 

So that said, thank you all for the messages on my Tumblr, your feedback and kudos on AO3, and mostly for your patience. Take care always of yourself, and keep spreading the love vibe! X

[lugialagia]

New Year Eve

Summary : Peter is bothering Wade to come to Tony’s party for new year eve. Wade finally accepts. Will Tony accept the relationship between his adopted-like son and the mercenary? Ship/Pairing : Spideypool (Peter x Deadpool)

Words : 2;084

TW! : Light swearing (l mean, it’s Wade)

PURE FLUFF

"Come on Wade, please!" Peter whined. "Petey, we already talked about it." Wade sighed. "You know that kind of party isn't something for me." It had been already two weeks that Peter was trying to persuade Wade to come to Tony's new year eve party. This once, Tony had pushed aside his extravagance and put on something simple; 'family diner' with the Avengers. Despite the small comity, Wade didn't want to come. Now, Peter was really starting to beg him since it was in two days.

"Please Wade. It's been two years that I want to introduce you and I think it's the right moment. I told everyone that I'd come with someone." Peter tried again. "It's not a good idea. Everyone knows who I am and I don't think I'm welcomed in the Superman team." Wade replied with a snort. "Superman? Anyway...alright." Peter gave up. "You let me ridicule myself in front of everyone and we'll be away from each others on the new year eve." Peter sighed.

Then, the youngest walked away with a pout. He wasn't really angry, he still had two days to convince his lover, but with one more refusal, his heart was shattering a bit more. The Avengers were like a family for Peter, so they needed to know about them, he didn't want to hide anymore. And everything went well with aunt May, so why Wade was he afraid? If May accepted him, everyone would too. "Oh no baby, don't pout. You know I can't resist this." Wade whined.

"That's exactly why I'm doing this." Peter thought but stayed silent. Wade stopped in front of him and lifter his lover's head up. Peter's expression didn't move an inch. Finally, Peter's sad eyes made the mercenary give up. "Alright! You got me!" Wade said like it was a game. "I'll come to your irreprochable superheroes party." he huffed. "Thanks Wade!" Peter grinned, jumping into his lover's arms.

* * *

The party was about to start in an hour. Wade was standing in front of the mirror, adjusting his bowtie with anger. "Seriously, look at that outfit, l look fucking dumb, Peter." Wade groaned. "And that fucking bow tie that doesn't want to-" "Stop it. You're perfect in this." Peter cut him and helped him with the bow tie, kissing his cheek when he was done. "Come on, we should go or we'll be late. It's already been twenty minutes since you're trying to place your bow." Peter mocked with a chuckle.

Wade mumbled and groaned all the way downstairs. Once behind the steering weel, he was calmer even if he could feel stress starting to build up inside him. He was afraid to be rejected by the others. Not that he would mind, he really didn't care, but that would hurt his little Spidey and that, he didn't want. The whole drive was animated by insults coming from Wade's mouth such as 'move on asshole!' or 'it was fucking red piece of shit!'. Well, it was Wade.

When they finally arrived in front of Tony's house, Peter stepped out of the car and Wade did the same with a long sigh, wishing that everything would go well. He would try to be good and nice. Try. Maybe. As they entered the nice mansion, Friday's voice greeted them. "Mr.Parker, Mr.Wilson, welcome into Mr.Stark's penthouse. Mr.Stark and his guests are waiting for you in the lounge." the AI informed. "Thanks Friday." Peter replied.

The young male took the mercenary's hand to reassured him, but also to reassured himself. He was terrified at the thought of his family rejecting his boyfriend. Even more Tony since he was his mentor. And also Natasha. She looked cold and impassible, but she was melting for Peter. She had taken him under her protection almost as soon as she saw him. Peter led Wade to the lounge where everyone was already there, sipping on their drink or on the couches. As soon as they set foot in the room, Wanda was the one to greeted them.

"Peter! It's been a little while." she smiled and hugged him. "Yeah sorry, I was a bit occupied lately." Peter replied rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, I see." Wanda said back with a glance at Wade. She then held her hand out toward the mercenary. "Wanda Maximoff." Wade shook her hand back. "Wade Wilson." he introduced himself with a tiny smile. "Want a drink?" Wanda asked. "Not for me." Peter replied. "Yeah a scotch would be good." said the older man and Peter elbowed him. "Please." Wade corrected himself.

With these words, Wanda went to serve Wade his drink while the couple walked toward Tony, Steve and Thor. As soon as he saw Peter, a large grin spread on Thor's lips. The God liked Peter a lot because he was reminding him of Loki at his age. Tony turned around and his expression was...unreadable. It was a mix between surprise, fury, deception and a protective vibe. Peter introduced Wade to the three of them, whom shook their hands. Once done, Tony wrapped an arm around Peter's shoulders and took him away. "Seriously kiddo? He's your boyfriend?" Tony asked like he didn't believe it. "Yes, why? Something is wrong with that?" Peter asked back curiously. "Yes something is very wrong! He's a mercenary, he's not made for you. You're too...too pure for him. And he's older." Tony stated.

"Tony, I can assure you that Wade isn't the same with me." Peter reassured him. "Peter, listen-" "No, Tony. I know you want to protect me, but can you make a step toward him? Please, try to know him. You'll see that he's treating me right." For once, Tony dumbfounded. It was rare for Peter to talk to him like this. So, to not be a 'grumpy old dad' he sighed, murmuring a small 'alright'. They then walked back toward the men right in time with Wanda giving Wade his drink.

"So...you're a mercenary, huh?" Tony asked coldly. Peter sent him a glare, disappointed by it. Wade, of course, wasn't even phased by the cold tone. He took a sip of his drink before replying to the billionaire. "Yup, that's it. While you save the world from mad men from space, I'm cleaning up the city for good old bad guys." he replied calmly. "So you're saying that you're a superhero there?" Tony asked with a scoff. "I never said that." Wade replied with a dark smirk.

Feeling problems coming, Steve decided to interrupt. "Anyway! I'm glad to meet you, Wade. It's been a while that Peter is talking about you. It's nice to see that you finally came." Well, problems avoided! The little group parted away after a few minutes to talk to others. Peter and Wade were just here, waiting. "I think that your Iron Daddy doesn't really appreciate me." Wade scoffed a bit. "Wade...you're not one that I should go out with, I think it's normal that he's worried." Peter replied softly.

"Am I not frequentable? Oh darling, you're breaking my poor little heart." Wade declared, faking a heart break. "You now what I'm talking about and-" Peter was suddenly interrupted. "Well well, look at that. Isn't it the little spider boy?" said a smooth voice behind them. The couple turned around to see the God of Mischief. "Oh hey Mr.Loki!" Peter greeted with a large smile. "That's Wade." he said as he introduced his boyfriend.

Wade held a hand out toward the God. Peter told him that Loki was now teaming up with the Avengers, somehow saying that he had been controlled during the invasion. But the merenary wasn't very convinced by it. Though, he told Peter that he would make some effort tonight. Loki stared at Wade's hand with disdain. He wouldn't touch the mortal. "Is that the mortal you like?" Loki asked to Peter, ignoring Wade completely. Before the young man could even open his mouth, Wade stepped forward. "Yeah I'm his boyfriend, and as you should know, Mister I'm a fucking God, I'm not mortal and I'd kick your ass for talking to me like that."

Loki arched a brow at the reply since he didn't expect this kind of reaction. The God could see the distress in the boy's eyes. He was probably expecting for it to finish in blade and blood and didn't know what to do. Loki would never admit it out loud, but he liked the kid. Because Peter was always impressed by his magic trick, would it be simple or very elaborated, even when he was showing his combat skills and illusion. And he also was the only one to have greeted him nicely when he arrived. So, he would make an effort and not smash that poor non-mortal's head to the wall. "Well, who said I cannot kill you like a pitiful fly?" he asked with a smirk.

In the end, everything went well because of Loki's efforts. Peter noticed it and he would definitely thank him later. Wade and Loki must admit that they were both happy to have met and talked. Their minds were much alike, they liked each others jokes, torture and killing methods and Peter listened to them without paying much attention, creating a small bubble of happiness around him went he saw his lover becoming friend with the lonely God.

Once they were all around the table, tensions between Tony and Wade were already gone. At first, aprehension was still here and the billionaire was always glancing at the couple, more to check out on Peter. But as time passed by, he was noticing the little attentions that Wade had toward him. The mercenary was filling his glass when he needed to, he was glancing at him tenderly, caressed his arm or held his hand as they waited for the next meal. Peter was right. Wade wasn't that bad. It was then that Tony started to talk with him without any animosity behind.

* * *

When the countdown was about to start, everyone was outside on the balcony, waiting for the firework that would pop when it would reach zero. They were all screaming the numbers from ten. Then, dozen of lights were lightening up the dark sky. Wade gripped Peter's waist and instantly kissed him passionately. "Happy new year, kitten." he whispered. "Happy new year, darling." Peter replied with a large smile.

As soon as the firework was over, the Avengers wished each others a happy new year before going back inside to dance. It was party time and for once, no one was in a bad mood. Even Loki who didn't really want to dance, ended up dancing a bit with the others. Then, came the slow dance. Peter let go Wanda and Wade let go Natasha to find each others again. Wade placed his hands on the boy's waist and Peter wrapped his arms around the older's neck. They moved on the slow rhythm, their bodies tangled like two puzzle pieces.

The couple was in their own little bubble, like they were alone in the world. However, the Avengers were all watching them. "They're cute together." Natasha whispered to Tony. "Mhmm. I wasn't very fond of it at first and I understand why Peter didn't introduce me to him for a while, I would have forbid him to see the guy." he agreed. "But now I can see that they're made to be one." Tony continued as he watched them dance.

Peter's head was stuck on Wade's chest and their slow steps were soothing him. He was slowly drifting off to sleep. Of course, Wade quickly noticed his body starting to go limp in his arms. "Petey pie? We're gonna go home, alright? You're falling asleep on me." he said with a chuckle. Peter barely nodded his head, mumbling a small 'alright'. The mercenary lifted his lover up in his arms before walking toward the door.

"Thanks for the night." Wade said to the others. "Come to ours when you want, l'm sure Peter will be happy." Then, Tony called for him before he could walk out. "Wade. Take care of him." he said seriously. "This kid is like my own. If anything happens to him, I'll say you're responsible of it and I swear I'll find a way to kill you." Tony threatened. Wade laughed, even if he knew that the genius was serious, but he couldn't help but laugh when someone threatened him. "Promise, Stark."

[raksh-writes]

As much as it kills me, I might need to step away from writing fics and posting/updating. Maybe for a month, maybe a few until Im done with my uni/thesis, I don't know. It seems Im straining my wrists too much even when I try to be careful 😔

More on this below the cut, because I wont hide Im kinda in a very deep depressive slump rn and it's definitely gonna come through. So, keep your own mental health in mind and skip reading this post if it might end up upseting for you. Take care ❤

For those that want to know more, here goes:

My left wrist is still bothering me. The numb-staticy feeling has weakened a bit and its mostly just my thumb now, but my wrist feels very weak overall atm. And thats definitely not a good sign 😔 I dont think its the inflammation acting up again? Its only my left wrists, when the last few times it got both, and usually it manifested with my fingers hurting in a very particular way, but who knows ;/ Maybe its just strained a lot? Its prob from typing on my phone a lot too, because the staticy feeling seems concentrated around the thumb.

I dont have my usual meds at home now but I kinda dont want to take them when Im so unsure if its actually inflammation again, so for now Im using the anti-inflammatory ointment. I started yesterday and today its the slightest bit better, so maybe its working? I hope so, at least. I'm thinking of taking another week, maybe even two, completely off from writing or anything that can strain my wrists, so my left one can heal. And I'll see how it goes.

It'll make me extremely stressed about my thesis and whatnot, but I think I'll try to talk it out with my promotor, how to proceed now. He's a great guy, so I hope he'll be understanding and help me through this. I think I might ask what would happen in cae I wouldnt be able to finish this year - would I just repeat it or how it would go. I DO want to finish it now, have this three years count and even if I wouldnt go to get a degree in next few years, at least I would hogher education, y'know. That has to count for something...

So, taking all this in consideration, fics are unfortunately what falls down the list of priorities, as much as it breaks my heart ;_; If I want to focus on finishing this and my thesis and getting it all done while my wrists are so fragile, I need to cut on other straining things. I prob wont stop writing wholly, only because it would prob make me go insane, I need the comfort my fics give me, but it'll be far less and the updates or posting would happen rare ;_;

So the next LitA update will prob happen in a month, cause 20th of April is its posting anniversary and chap 25 is mostly post-ready too, but then I have no idea. Depends on everything mentioned above.

I might switch to more of hand writing in my notebooks, maybe start on my Beauty and the Beast AU this way since its comfort fic and Im not in rush with it in any way. Maybe I'll dictate some from time to time, if I have the mental strength and fortitude for it xd But my focus needs to go into my uni and all. After all, the sooner I have big progress with it or finish it, the sooner Im "free".

It might also turn out this is just my depressive slump talking and it'll turn out to not be so bad in some time xd Who knows, for now I wanted to give y'all a heads up.

Some of y'aal will prob move on, which I totally get, thats how fandom works and I've been there;p But I hope some of y'all will still get some joy out of my fics, whenever they might come in future.

Hope y'all are weel and healthy out there, all the love 💗

[itsafanficthing]

The Paper Boy - Chapter 8

A Chapter much sooner than anyone (including myself) was expecting. Hope you enjoy :)

A03 is here

--

“I think I’ve changed my mind about the bike,” Claire said breathlessly as Jamie parked the dirt bike back in the shed.

“Oh?” Jamie asked as he pulled the roller door shut.

Claire nodded excitedly and Jamie snorted with laughter.

He had done a few extra laps around the farm, increasing the speed from their first trip. They would have been back to the main house much sooner, but Jamie loved the feeling of Claire holding him tightly and her squeals as they rounded corners or bumped over the small mounds of the farm.

Her cheeks were pink and flushed and she had tied her wild curls away from her face. Claire’s eyes were still puffy from crying, but she looked lighter than she did before. Jamie handed her the various plants from the feed bag and she happily made her way back to the kitchen for a jar for the plants.

Jamie watched her walk away from him, feeling his heart thump irregularly in his chest. He had been trying to convince himself that he wasn’t in love with her, that he didn’t know what love really was, but watching her walk away from him, a slight skip in her step, Jamie didn’t think he could deny it anymore. He didn’t know if it was love, but it sure was something.

Perhaps it was lust, the way that his body reacted to her- and boy did it react to her. But there was something else about how Claire made him feel. Something deeper. Like she really saw him and Jamie hadn’t really felt seen by anyone since his mother had died, except for Murtagh. Even then, this was entirely different to how Jamie felt about Murtagh.

“Are you coming?” Claire called from the doorway before heading inside and Jamie shook his head briefly, realising that he hadn’t moved from watching her walk away. Hopefully she didn’t notice that.

Jenny had long since finished making jam in the kitchen and was sitting in the living room reading when Claire and Jamie returned. She happily fetched Claire an empty jar for her various plants before giving Jamie a knowing look and returning to her original position on the couch with her book.

“Did ye have a good time?” Jenny asked Claire, though Jamie felt it was more aimed at him. He hated the way his cheeks blushed and Jenny grinned at him before looking back to Claire.

“Absolutely. We went on the bike,” Claire explained as she sat opposite Jenny.

“Aye, I heard ye squealing yer way around the paddock,” Jenny teased and Claire’s face turned pink.

“That was me,” Jamie said as he leant against the doorframe. “Claire was holdin’ onto me so tight, I could barely breathe.”

Jenny rolled her eyes before engaging Claire in a conversation about something or other. Jamie wasn’t really paying attention. He was currently trying to figure out where he should sit.

Next to Jenny… he never sat next to Jenny if he could help it. Besides, she was reading and maybe she didn’t want him to sit next to her.

Next to Claire, well, there was definitely space on the couch, but she was on the two seater and Jenny was on the three. There was more room with Jenny, but again… he never sat next to her if he could help it. Maybe Claire wanted him to sit next to her, although he didn’t know what they were going to do next. Maybe he should turn on the television and watch a movie? Or perhaps a board game? Did Claire like board games? Jamie was a fair hand at chess, and he and his Da played almost every night, but perhaps Claire didn’t like chess. His dilemma of where to sit and what to do was interrupted (thankfully) by the phone ringing. Using it as a good excuse to stall his decision, he went to answer it.

“Lad, ye and Jen need to get to the Doctor’s as quick as ye can,” Murtagh’s voice spoke roughly through the phone.

“What’s wrong?” Jamie asked, his stomach dropping somewhere to his feet.

“Ye Da’s hurt himself at McNully’s farm. It’s no’ bad, but ye’ll need to go pick him up.”

“Da?” Jamie repeated stupidly as his mind hurried to catch up. “He’s alright?”

“Aye, just get there as soon as ye can,” Murtagh said gruffly before ending the call abruptly.

“Jen!” Jamie called through the house, trying to get his sisters attention. “Da’s been hurt, we have to go pick him up from the Doctor, Murtagh just rang.” Jamie heard the scrambling of two people before Claire and Jenny joined him in the hallway, both looking slightly panicked.

“Is he alright?” Jenny asked, picking up her handbag and searching for her car keys.

“Aye, Murtagh said it was’na bad, just that we need to go pick him up.”

“Right. Where are my feckin’ keys?” Jenny said hurriedly as she tipped the bag upside down in her search for them.

“On the kitchen counter,” Jamie replied, opening the front door for Claire. Her face was pale and she looked like she was about to be sick. “Claire, are ye ok?” Jamie asked in concern when she didn’t move.

“Your father… he’s… is he….” She stuttered and her eyes welled with water. Jamie could have kicked himself. She’d just spent the afternoon telling him about losing her parents and then Murtagh calls them with something about his Da with little to no explanation, only that he was hurt.

“Aye, he’ll be fine. Probably just sprained an ankle and canna drive himself home.” When Claire didn’t look at all appeased by his response, Jamie continued. “Truly, he will be alright. It’s farming. People get hurt all the time.”

“I should go… I should get home… I-”

“I found them,” Jenny interrupted as she rounded the corner holding her keys triumphantly in her hand. “Come on, Claire. We’ll drop ye home on the way.”

Jenny strode past them without a backward glance, while Claire and Jamie stood somewhat awkwardly in the hallway together.

“He’ll be fine, trust me,” Jamie said, holding his hand out to her. Just like the first day of school, everything always seemed to be easier when they were touching. Claire nodded stiffly before taking Jamie’s hand and squeezing it tightly.

“Dinna forget yer weeds,” Jamie reminded before they walked out the door and Claire huffed out a ghost of a laugh.

“They’re not weeds.”

--

Brian Fraser had indeed done something to his ankle- he’d broken it. Jumping off McNully’s tractor and into a rabbit hole, his foot had landed awkwardly and then his body followed.

“I’m alright,” Brian groaned as Jenny positioned him on the couch, propping his ankle up by almost every pillow and cushion they owned. “Stop yer fussin’.”

“Aye, weel, if ye looked down before ye jumped, ye might no’ be in this position, so ye can just let me fuss,” Jenny grumbled back as she handed him a cup of tea.

“No chance ye could add a little bit of flavour?” Brian asked hopefully, eyeing the whiskey on the cart nearby.

“No,” Jenny answered shortly before she left the room, grumbling something about men and their uselessness.

“Are ye alright, Da?” Jamie asked as he watched his sister go, the consequent sound of banging of pots and pans being handled a little rougher than necessary in the kitchen following her. Whenever Jenny was annoyed, angry, or needed a bit of peace from the men of the house - she baked. This was clearly one of those times.

“Aye, I’m fine. Should have known about the rabbit hole. McNully’s farm is full of the blasted creatures. I got his tractor workin’ though,” Brian replied before taking a tentative sip of the tea Jenny had made him. “No chance ye could add some flavour here, son?” He asked, his blue eyes twinkling.

“If ye think I’ll cross Jen for ye when she’s in a mood, ye have another thing comin’,” Jamie shook his head as his father rolled his eyes at him.

“Yer mother would have given me whiskey,” Brian sighed dramatically as Jamie snorted with laughter.

“She would have given ye a scaplin’ for getting yerself hurt,” Jamie disagreed as Brian smiled happily.

“Aye, yer right.”

The two men sat in silence for a moment, Brian sipping his “flavourless” tea and Jamie wondering how to tell his father what was on his mind without either dying of embarrassment or chickening out half way through.

“What are ye thinkin’ about?” Brian asked, seeing the worried look on his son's forehead. “Ye look like yer fit to burst.”

“It’s nothin, Da,” Jamie shrugged awkwardly. They’d always had quite a good relationship. They were both stubborn as mules and when they each got their danders up, well, explosive was a bit of an understatement. Add into that Jenny and sometimes it was lucky that their house was still standing. Jamie supposed that he was quite like his father in a lot of ways. He always wanted to be just like him when he was growing up, following him around the farm, watching him work. They’d always spoken relatively easily with each other, Jamie felt like he could go to his father if he needed advice or a second opinion- that was until Jamie’s mother had died. A wall went up around Brian and he was less approachable than before. He tried, Jamie knew that he tried to be the same man that he was before, but losing someone- losing a piece of your heart was a hard place to come back from. It was why Jamie would prefer to confide in Murtagh. He was separate from most situations but understood Jamie in a way that his father used to.

“I was thinkin’ of getting a phone,” Jamie said quickly and Brian’s eyes flashed over to his son.

“What for?”

“Playin’ games and lookin’ at naked ladies,” Jamie replied sarcastically. “I’m 16 now, I think it’s time that I had somethin’ like that. All the lads at school have one, and with me doin’ the paper route and school, I think it would help.”

“Aye, and who’ll be payin’ for this phone of yers?” Brian asked as he eyed his son suspiciously.

“I would,” Jamie answered.

“And this does’na have anythin’ to do with the new lass in town?” Brian asked as his mouth twitched in the beginning of a grin.

“It has to do with the fact that I’m growin’ up and it will be a lot easier to keep track of me, if ye can call me.”

“Aye,” Brian agreed, smiling at his son now. “Sounds like a braw idea.”

Jamie sat back on the couch happily. He would need to ask Jenny to drive him into the larger town to actually purchase said phone, but it was one more step toward his independence. Now he just needed to talk to his Da about the thing he was the most nervous about, though he had a suspicion that he already knew.

“That Claire lass seems nice,” Brian continued on, snapping Jamie out of his thoughts. “Her Uncle’s a wee odd, but seems like a good bloke.”

“Aye, she is, they are, both of them - nice, I mean,” Jamie answered. His fingers found a loose thread on the shirt that he was wearing and he started to fiddle with it.

“Jen said that Claire was around earlier,” Brian tried again. He wasn’t looking at Jamie, rather he was staring at the wall, as if he had suddenly seen the most interesting thing and was addressing that, rather than Jamie.

“Aye, took her around to see the horses, and a wee bit of the farm.”

Brian grunted in acknowledgement but didn’t say anything further. He left the space open for Jamie to tell him what was on his mind, Jamie just needed to swallow the lump in his throat first.

“Did… ah… did Lamb tell ye about her parents?” Jamie asked quietly.

“Aye,” Brian murmured in response. “Awful thing to happen.”

Jamie nodded, “Claire… she only told me about them today. I did’na ken before.”

“The lass has been through a lot. I’m glad yer makin’ her feel welcome. It must be hard movin’ to a new place after somethin’ like that. Lord knows what would happen if the ol’ hens in town would say if they found out.”

“I dinna plan on tellin’ anyone else, Da,” Jamie replied defensively.

“I did’na say ye would.” Brian shook his head thoughtfully. “I just want ye to… well… ye ken what it’s like to lose a parent, and a brother. Word travels quick in town and ye remember what it was like to have people in the street tell ye how sorry they are.”

Jamie nodded uncomfortably at the memory; weeks of people approaching him on the street, the old women trying to hug him, the men clapping him firmly on the back. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Everyone knew Ellen Fraser and Jamie wondered if it would be different for Claire because nobody had met her parents. Still he remembered the pity in everyone’s eyes as they watched him go about his life and it used to drive him mad. He didn’t want that for Claire. Speaking of Claire… he didn’t know how to approach the subject with his Da. Though in all honesty, Brian Fraser seemed far too eager to keep bringing her up. Maybe it wouldn’t be as awkward as Jamie was making it out to be. He was wrong.

“Da,” Jamie began nervously. “About Claire… well about Mam.”

Brian hummed in acknowledgement.

“Ye always told me and Jen and that as soon as ye saw Mam, ye kent that ye wanted to marry her…” Jamie twisted and pulled at the thread of his t-shirt. He couldn’t look at his father right now, but he could feel his face flaming bright red. “How did ye ken?”

Brian hummed again, but it was a happy sound, like he was remembering the first time he saw Ellen McKenzie. He seemed to get lost in the memory for a moment before he shook himself slightly and answered Jamie’s question.

“Honestly son, I dinna ken. I saw her and it was like… everything made sense. Asides, yer mother was a fine lass, so every lad that saw her thought that she was beautiful. It wasn’t just love at first sight though, as much as I tell ye both that. It was when she spoke, the first time I heard her voice, it was like… I canna explain it to ye, Jamie. It was like everything clicked. I told Murtagh that I would marry her one day and Murtagh did’na believe me. Every lad thought that when they saw yer Ma. Murtagh included. But I kent it. From the moment she opened her mouth and called me out for staring at her, to the first date when she kissed me goodnight. I kent that I would marry her.”

That didn’t answer Jamie in the slightest and he huffed in frustration which made Brian chuckle.

“I truly canna explain it to ye, lad. I just kent that she was the lass I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”

“But did ye… a’fore Ma, did ye date anyone else?”

“Aye, a few lasses, and they were fine, thought for a while that I might marry Loita McKenzie-”

“Loita McKenzie?” Jamie interrupted. “Laoghaire’s mother?”

“Aye, we dated throughout highschool,” Brian chuckled at the memory as he shook his head.

“So what was… how did ye…. What was different between her and Ma?” Jamie pressed. His father had just admitted for the first time that he had loved someone other than his Mother. Brian Fraser had always made it seem like it was Ellen and no one else.

“I loved yer Ma, I did’na love Loita,” Brian said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Jamie thought he might very well hit his father.

“But ye said ye thought that ye were going to marry her,” Jamie argued.

“Aye, but I did’na ken what love truly was until yer mother.”

“That… I… what does any of that mean,” Jamie said in exasperation. It was like talking to the Riddler from the Batman movies Jamie used to watch as a young lad and he was getting annoyed. He just wanted a straight answer.

“The other lasses I dated, not that there were many mind ye, they… I liked them sure enough, was attracted to them, kissed ‘em and… ye ken.”

Jamie felt his face heat up with embarrassment as his father continued.

“But there was somethin’ missin’. I asked myself if I could see myself growin’ old with any of them and the answer was always ‘no’. When I first met yer mother and she cursed me out for starin’, when we went on our first date and she blushed when I pulled out her chair for her, I saw it all. I saw all of our lives in a second. I saw us married, with bairns, I saw us fightin’ and makin’ up. I could see every second of our lives, I could see every moment of my life, what was comin’ and she was there for every second of it.”

Jamie was silent for a moment, trying to figure out how this related to how he felt about Claire. The absolute truth of it was, and as terrifying as it was, when Jamie looked at Claire, he could see the same thing. He may be only young, but his life was mapped out for him. He grew up on a farm and would more than likely take it over from his father. When Jamie tried to imagine what the future would look like for him, Claire stood right there with him, a flourishing vegetable garden beside the both of them.

When he thought about university, the option to go to Edinburgh, study literature like he’d always thought of, there was Claire. Right by his side, wearing scrubs - she would study medicine, of course she would.

When he tried to think of his wedding day, he knew he'd be standing at the front of a church, wearing his father’s kilt and a new jacket. The woman that walked toward him had a wild head of brown curls that would simply not be tamed and she would be blushing something fierce while clutching the arm of her Uncle. It was Claire. It would always be Claire.

But he was only 16. He wasn’t meant to feel things that were this deep yet. He wasn’t supposed to be able to picture his future. Hell, he was sure that other lads his age weren’t thinking about their weddings.

“Ye were 18 when ye met Ma, aye?” Jamie asked carefully.

“Aye, just turned it.”

“Didn’t… weren’t ye… ye were pretty young,” Jamie said bluntly.

“Aye, but that’s the beauty of the Fraser stubbornness, ye ken,” Brian laughed. “When we ken what we want, we dinna let anythin’ stop us.”

Jamie smiled as he shook his head.

“But nah, yer Granny and Grandda, on both sides, were’na keen on the idea of us being wed so young. But that did’na stop us. We kent what we wanted and couldn’t really see the point in puttin’ it off.”

Jamie bit his lip as he tried to decide how much he wanted to tell his father about how he felt about Claire. They were still just friends after all. Sure he might be feeling something for her, but he had no idea if she felt anything for him, beyond their friendship. He wasn’t willing to risk the friendship that they had built because he couldn’t get his feelings for her in order.

“Gettin’ old is a blessin’ and curse sometimes, lad,” Brian Fraser said through a yawn. “Ye meet the love of yer life and ye get plenty of good years wi’ her. Ye raise yer bairns and ye love them wi’ all yer heart. Ye think that yer heart canna get any fuller, and the vision ye had when ye were just a lad is all comin’ true. But then ye lose her, and ye dinna ken how ye’ll ever be alright again. Ye grow old wi’out her and sometimes, wakin’ up… well, it’s hard to do. But I tell ye Jamie, I wouldn’t have traded anythin’ in the world for the life I got to live with yer Ma, no matter how brief.”

Jamie swallowed thickly and was about to reply when a soft snore escaped his father’s lips as he fell asleep on the couch.

While he felt like he knew his father a little better than he did before, he was still nowhere near closer to understanding the depth of feelings he had for one Sassenach that had turned his life on its head.

--

By the time Jamie arrived at Claire’s house on Monday morning to walk to school with her, he was in the possession of a brand new Iphone, and there was only one number that he really cared about getting. He knew that he was more than likely going to get a ribbing from the lads at school about finally getting a phone. They’d all received theirs from their parents when they’d turned 13, something about their parents wanting to keep and eye on them. Brian and Ellen had talked about it of course, but it was just that Jamie was so trustworthy. He always was home when he said he would be, they knew all of his friends' parents, having grown up with most of them themselves and there wasn’t anyone in town that wouldn’t lend Jamie their phone if he’d asked for it. They just didn’t see the point of it, and Jamie couldn’t either.

Anything that the lads wanted to tell him, surely couldn’t be so important that it couldn’t wait until the following day at school. They called him ‘mental’, showed him the games they played on their phones, the pictures they could look up online without their parents' knowledge, but still Jamie couldn’t see the point. Until, that was, Claire had asked him if he had a phone and for the first time, he was disappointed that he didn’t.

Now the weight of it was in his pocket and he couldn’t wait to show her, to program her number into it and begin texting her things that couldn’t wait until the following day at school and that needed to be shared in that very moment.

“Jamie,” Lamb answered the door brightly, a healthy five o’clock shadow growing on his face. “And how are you this fine morning?”

“Well, thank ye, sir,” Jamie answered as he dropped his bag by the front door and made his way to the kitchen to wait for Claire.

“You don’t need to call me sir,” Lamb reminded him. “It makes me feel old.”

“Aye, sorry.” Jamie smiled as he sat at the small kitchen table. He was expecting Lamb to wander off in the house, like he did on the other mornings that Jamie was early and had to wait for Claire. After the first morning that Jamie had picked Claire up for school (had it really only been a week ago?), Lamb had let Jamie direct himself to the kitchen and then went about whatever he was doing before Jamie arrived. Usually making a coffee or a tea, reading the news on his laptop, on Thursday he heard Lamb singing to himself in the lounge room. This morning Lamb followed Jamie into the kitchen and sat opposite, his hands clasped in front of him, an uncharacteristically serious look on his face.

“So,” he said carefully, scratching at the new stubble on his cheek. “Claire told me about Saturday.”

Jamie nodded and swallowed heavily, it felt like he was about to have “the talk” with Claire’s Uncle, which was something Jamie was entirely unprepared for at 7.30 in the morning.

“Is your father well?” Lamb asked in concern and Jamie felt a flush of relief flood through him.

“Oh, aye. He broke his ankle and will’na be walking wi’out crutches for the next six weeks, but aye, he’s fine.”

“Good, good. Claire was very worried on Saturday night,” Lamb said absentmindedly.

“It’s not the worst thing that’s happened to a Fraser on a farm,” Jamie assured Lamb. “I canna count the times he’s broken a finger or a toe over somethin’ silly. I’ve had my fair share of bumps and bruises myself. Part of livin’ on a farm.”

“She also said that you went to see your horses,” Lamb continued as if he hadn’t really heard Jamie’s response.

“Aye, we did,” Jamie answered cautiously.

“That’s good. Her father wanted her to ride, but she screamed her head off the entire time. She did love the animals from a distance, but as soon as Henry put her on top of one she completely lost it. A fair set of lungs on her, Claire has.” Lamb smiled at the memory and Jamie swallowed heavily again. If Claire told him about the horses, would she have told him about her-

“You know about her parents then?” Lamb asked, not waiting for a response before continuing. “How she lost them both in one night? Yes? She’s been through a terrible amount of grief in such a short amount of time. The move out here… she’s getting better, she’s beginning to look like herself again and I… Jamie,” Lamb’s eyes focused clearly on Jamie’s face now. Jamie tried to look back seriously but there was something unnerving about how intensely Lamb was looking at him. “I will not see her get her heart broken, do you understand me? I will not see her go through that… through the pain and grief like she has, again. She trusts you, she likes you and I can see that you bring out good things in her. From what I’ve seen you’re… well you seem alright to me. Do not make me question my judgement.”

Jamie nodded earnestly. “I wouldn’t… I would never do anything to hurt her.” He tried to shrug his shoulders nonchalantly, “She’s my friend.”

Lamb huffed a chuckle at that and shook his head. “I suppose so. Good talk!” he said, suddenly jumping to his feet and making Jamie start at the sudden movement. Lamb busied himself with the kettle while Jamie heard Claire’s heavy footsteps on the stairs.

“One week and I’ve nailed it. Da… Da... Da... Daaaa,” Claire sang as she rounded the corner. “I can do the tie by myself,” she announced, spreading her arms wide for Jamie and Lamb to see. It was a little uneven and the tail was too long but Jamie was so happy to her smiling brightly at him that it didn’t really matter in the end.

“Looks perfect!” Lamb declared as the kettle started to boil. “Best in all the land.”

“I know,” Claire agreed sarcastically. “I should take it up as a career. Professional Tie-Tie-er. I hear it’s a competitive field.”

“As have I, they only take the best my dear. The Best! Are you sure you’re up for it?” Lamb continued.

“When you have my raw talent,” Claire said, “it would be rude if I didn’t.”

“Hear, hear,” Lamb echod as he started to make a cup of tea.

“Ready to go?” Claire asked addressing Jamie who was smiling widely at the pair of them. It was moments like these that had Jamie falling more and more in… something with Claire. Her casual sarcastic humour, the way she spoke with her Uncle, the way her eyes seemed to sparkle when she was joking around. It reminded him of how his mother would laugh with his father and Jamie felt a not-totally-unpleasant heaviness in his stomach at the thought. He really did have very strong feelings for Claire.

--

“I have some news,” Jamie said as they walked to school together.

“Oh?” Claire asked as she shifted the bag straps on her shoulders.

“Aye. Ye asked me on Saturday... ye said that ye would have called me but ye did’na have my phone number,” Jamie reminded her as Claire nodded along in understanding. “Well, that was perhaps because as of yesterday, I did’na have a phone,” he continued.

“You didn’t have a phone? At all?” Claire asked in surprise.

“We have a landline at home, but no, I did’na.”

To Jamie’s surprise Claire started to laugh before she realised that Jamie was not laughing with her and pursed her lips to stop herself. “Sorry. I don’t mean to laugh. I’m just surprised. I mean… how?”

“I just did’na see the need for it,” Jamie shrugged uncomfortably.

“But you do now?” Claire asked as she raised her eyebrows at him.

“Aye,” he answered gruffly, far too embarrassed by the direction the conversation was taking.

“Let’s see it then,” Claire smiled, stopping and holding out her hand.

“What?”

“Let’s see this brand-spanking-new phone of yours. You’re going to need at least one number in it that isn’t your family, after all,” she said practically while Jamie pulled the phone out of his pocket. “No case,” she tutted as Jamie handed her the phone. “You’ll need a case, these break easily.”

“I dinna ken. I’ve never had one before,” Jamie answered as she clicked the screen to life.

“I have, and you’ll need a case. No passcode either. You should put a passcode on it. Stop people from getting into it when you don’t want them too. Seeing all your stuff.” She continued to critique all the things that he hadn’t done as she typed around on the screen. “No photos either.”

“I only got it yesterday,” Jamie defended himself as Claire held up the phone to face them.

“Come on, let’s take one.”

“Take one what?”

“A photo, obviously,” Claire answered in exasperation. “Come on.”

Jamie ducked down slightly, though she held the phone high in the air, angled down toward them. He’d seen a few of the girls at school take photos the same way. He jumped in surprise as he felt Claire’s curls tickle the side of his face as she moved closer to be in the photo with him with a slight huff. He heard the shutter go off, but he was looking at Claire, at how close she was, at the small crinkles at the sides of her eyes when she smiled.

“Look at the camera, you dork,” Claire laughed as she snapped another one.

“Aye sorry,” Jamie mumbled before smiling at the camera and hearing the shutter go off once again.

“Much better,” Claire said as she handed him back the phone and they continued on their way to school. “Now you have my number and some photos. You’re on your way to being a phone aficionado in no time.”

“Aye,” Jamie grinned, “Do you think there’s a career in that?”

“Oh definitely. You can join me in my Tie-tie-ing business. We’ll be millionaires before we even graduate,” Claire agreed happily as they approached the school gates.

“I canna wait,” Jamie said as he followed her into the school grounds.

--

“What’s this, what’s this, what’s this?” Rupert announced loud enough for people three kilometers away to hear. “Who’s phone you holdin’ there?” He asked pointing accusingly at the phone Jamie was about to pocket.

“It’s mine,” Jamie answered gruffly trying to stuff the phone into the pocket of his trousers.

“You!” Angus joined in, “You have a phone? Since when?”

“Since Sunday,” Jamie answered defensively. Claire wasn’t paying attention to them, having spotted Geillis and Mary was making her way over to greet them.

“What happened to “I don’t need one” and “what’s the point”?” Angus asked, with a terrible impersonation of Jamie. Rupert looked between Jamie and Claire, Claire and Jamie before he looked back, grinning widely.

“Lay off, it’s no’ a big deal,” Jamie grimaced as Rupert wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Aye, ‘tis,” Angus disagreed, completely unaware of the unspoken conversation that was happening between Rupert and Jamie. “Yer finally becomin’ a man. We’re all sae proud.” He pretended to wipe a tear from his eye and Jamie punched him in the shoulder.

“Well, give it here then,” Rupert laughed, holding out his hand expectantly. “Ye’ll be wanting yer best friends phone number in there.”

“I thought was yer best friend,” Angus said momentarily distracted as Jamie handed over his phone with a sigh.

“Aye, second best,” Rupert mumbled before clicking around on the screen. “Ye dinna have a passcode. Ye should have a passcode.”

“Aye, so I’ve been told,” Jamie said under his breath as Rupert passed the phone to Angus.

The phone went around the circle, each of his friends programming their number and giving Jamie a good ribbing for finally joining the current century. He thought that it was done and people would stop giving him shit for it, about to get his phone back from Mary when a female hand intercepted him.

“Is this yours, Jamie?” Laoghaire’s voice asked from his shoulder, making him flinch in surprise.

“Aye,” Jamie could feel himself blushing and he didn’t know why. He certainly wasn’t embarrassed, but he could feel Claire’s eyes on him and he just wanted her to look away for some reason.

“I did’na ken ye had a phone,” she said in surprise as she looked at it. “Ye’ll be wantin’ my number then?”

She phrased it like a question, Jamie was sure it was meant to be a question, but he wasn’t exactly sure how he was supposed to say no, because after all, it didn’t much sound like a question.

He shrugged in response, he supposed it was the safest answer and she almost squealed in delight as she programmed her number. She then rang her own phone explaining that then they would both have each other's numbers. Jamie nodded along dumbly, wondering if his phone alerted her if he deleted her number. The bell rang for the start of school and Laoghaire gave him back his phone, saying something about how he should have more photos and he pocketed it as he and Claire made their way to homeroom together.

“I didn’t realise that you having a phone would be the gossip of the school,” Claire smiled as they sat next to each other.

“Aye, I put it off for so long, the lads were bound to give me shite for it when I finally got one.”

“Not just the lads,” Claire said so quietly Jamie wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear her.

“Good morning all,” Mrs Fox said loudly as she called the class to attention. “Welcome to yer second week back, I trust the first went well.”

As she went through the roll call, Jamie could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket with new message notifications and he couldn’t fathom who would be texting him. His Da and sister both knew that he was at school and wouldn’t message him unless it was an emergency, and everyone else who had his number was currently sitting in the classroom with him. He couldn’t imagine anything had happened in the fifteen minutes since they had taken their seats was so urgent that they would need to text him. He looked covertly around the room. Angus and Rupert were both close to nodding off already. Claire was sitting next to him doodling on a piece of paper. Mary and Geillis were both giggling over something in Geillis’ diary. Louise was staring out the window, clearly not paying attention to anything that Mrs Fox was saying.

“And even though it’s only the second week, the Social Committee have already got their plans in place for the first dance of the year. A welcome back, as it were.”

Jamie noticed all the girls in the class sit up and pay a little more attention to Mrs Fox and he thought that he probably should as well.

“Ye all ken the rules, and I expect ye to be well behaved.” Her eyes narrowed at Rupert and Angus and she continued, “The dance is in two Saturday’s time. It should give you more than enough time to find a suitable outfit, and what does that mean? Weel, let me explain.”

Jamie let his mind drift off again as Mrs Fox explained what should and shouldn’t be worn at a school dance. He’d attended a few dances over the years. His first had been mortifyingly awkward and he didn’t move from the side of the school hall for 90 percent of the night. It was also when his father decided that having the “talk” was necessary so that added a whole other part of it. As he’d gotten older he’d lost more of his inhibitions and as long as he was with his friends, the dances could be more fun.

He’d taken Geillis once, as a date. They were friends though, nothing more, and it was one of the more fun dances that he’d been too. Geillis was hilarious and she was definitely the best person to ask at the time.

Jamie looked at Claire from the corner of his eye, she was still doodling on the side of her page, but she did look like she was paying more attention to what Mrs Fox was saying than before. Should Jamie ask her? Would that be appropriate?

Every cell of Jamie’s body wanted to ask her out, but he didn’t know if that was the right thing to do. He was still trying to figure out what he felt for her beyond friendship…. And the things that she did to his body whilst being painfully oblivious. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to ask her to the dance, maybe it would confuse him even more. But god, did he want to. He wanted to dance with her. To a slow song. They could make it their song. They could share a romantic song together and then they would play it at their wedding, for their first dance. Jamie stopped whatever the hell that train of thought was right in its tracks, and brought himself back into the room.

They were friends, and Claire was still very new to the school, it was only her second week. Of course he should ask her, even if it was just as friends. They could be there for each other, and Jamie could let his imagination run away with him some other time.

The bell rang suddenly and Jamie wondered how in the hell homeroom was over already. The girls immediately congregated by their bags and began gossiping about the dance and what they would wear. Jamie shouldered his bag, preparing to walk Claire to her first class when he was slapped on the back by Rupert.

“Got anyone in mind that yer goin’ to take?” He asked conspiratorially, directing Jamie away from Claire.

“Maybe,” Jamie shrugged casually as Rupert burst into laughter. “Maybe ye should ask Geillis,” Jamie suggested which seemed to shut Rupert up immediately.

“Aye,” he mumbled in embarrassment.

“Thought you’d left without me!” Claire’s breathless voice from behind Rupert and Jamie made them spring apart quickly, as if they had just been caught doing something that they shouldn’t.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Jamie said, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“It’s that your legs are so bloody long, one step for you is about fourteen for me.”

“Sorry, Sassenach.” Jamie slowed slightly as he smiled at her. “So… the dance,” he tried to bring up casually. “Ye think ye might go?”

“I don’t see why not. It seems to be the only thing that all the girls are going to talk about for the next two weeks,” Claire answered nonchalantly with a shrug of her shoulders. “Can’t say I’ve been to many dances before though, do you all do the… what’s it called, the Highland Fling?”

“Och, aye, ye canna go to a school dance wi’out first learnin’ the Highland Fling. Ye’d be laughed out of school,” Jamie said, strengthening his accent and making her smile.

“I might rethink my decision to go if that’s the case. I’ve never “Highland Flung” anything in my life.”

Jamie chuckled as he shook his head. “Nah, it’s pretty normal. The guys stand on one side of the hall, the lasses on the other. At some point one o’ the teachers start dancin’ and then because they look so ridiculous, everyone else joins in eventually.”

They arrived at their first class and began to take out their books, and Jamie felt his phone vibrate in his pocket once more.

“Christ almighty- I’ve only had this thing fer less than day and already it’s going to vibrate my leg off,” he said as he pulled it out to check who had been incessantly messaging him. Claire smiled as she carried her books inside the classroom and Jamie unlocked his phone.

8 new messages - Laoghaire McKenzie with a love heart emoji in the middle of her two names. Jamie rolled his eyes before they ran over the numerous messages.

- Hi Jamie! -

- It’s Laoghaire -

- But of course you already know that! -

- So glad you finally got a phone. -

- Now we can talk whenever we want! -

- Homeroom is boring -

- What are you doing at lunch? -

Jamie swallowed heavily at the latest message.

- A School Dance! I can’t wait! -

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Imagine Master Raymond tells Claire who and what she is. What would he tell her? Do you think Claire really is an Auld one? Is Claire descended from an ancient mystical race?

No Fate But What  We Make 

Chapter 1

I patted Clarence’s side, weighed heavily with two casksof whisky, eyes keen on my giggling grandsons.

Ian had thought it humorous to give Jem and Germaine awee dram when we arrived at the whisky spring. By the time Roger and I returnedfrom gathering supplies from Clarence’s saddlebags, it was too late.

I’d promised Claire we would return by early afternoon. ButRoger and I had agreed it wise to wait a bit until the lads could at least walkin a straight line. So the sky had already started to turn shades of orange bythe time we crested the final hill, in sight of the new house.

Ian had wisely gone ahead of us at a faster pace. All thequicker to reunite with his wife and child, he had said – but Roger Mac and Iknew better.

“I canna exactly tell Bree about this.” Roger sighed onmy left side, shifting a spade to his other shoulder. “Fergus and Marsali wouldnamind. But Bree, weel…”

“I’m sure ye’ve come to realize during the years of yermarriage that what yer wife doesna ken, willna hurt her.” I slackened my holdon Clarence’s lead. “For the small things like this.”

“I ken. Big secrets and bad news dinna keep. But this – ”

“Look, Grand-da! There’s a horse in front of the house!”

I squinted – Jem was right. An unfamiliar horse stood,hobbled, to the right of the new house, a small pile of saddlebags neatly athis side.

“Were ye expecting anyone?”

“No. Whoever it is, he’s in the house.” I handed Clarence’slead to Roger. “See to the mule, and the lads. I must find Claire.”

I didn’t wait for Roger to reply – only picked up thepace and strode past my grandsons, mind racing.

With the house so newly finished, we hadn’t yet received manyvisitors. It wasn’t John – he would have brought more than just one horse. Nota backcountry man, either – no animal pelts spilled out of the saddlebags. Soldiersalways came at least in twos.

I leapt up the stairs and onto the porch, pushing thefront door open. Strained voices drifted from the parlor – Claire, and Bree.

In seconds I was there – and clutched the doorframe inshock.

“Jamie – you remember Master Raymond, from Paris?”

Claire’s voice was higher pitched than usual. Dumbly Istared at the impossibly old man, wedged into a corner of the settee, legsbarely touching the ground.

Master Raymond stood and bowed.

“An honor to see you again, Monsieur Fraser.”

For only the second time in my life I felt a swoon comingon.

“The honor is mine, Maître Raymond. Much has happenedsince last we met.”

“Indeed. I have been re-acquainting myself with MadameFraser. It is her renown as a healer that made it easy to find you, even here inthe backcountry.”

I swallowed, and slowly stepped into the room. WordlesslyI sank into the chair beside Claire’s. Her hands were clasped tightly acrossher knees, the knuckles white.

“I see. And I’m sure you’ve been introduced to ourdaughter, Brianna.”

“He met Mandy and Jenny and Rachel, too,” Bree quicklyinterjected from her seat beside Raymond. “Mama insisted the three of them preparesupper – for you and the other men, and for our guest.”

Raymond turned to face Claire. “Mother Hildegard wasright, madonna. God did bless you with another child. And grandchildren, too.”

Pain surged through my heart – Paris, and Faith, and the soul-deeploss that had nearly destroyed my marriage. I held out my hand – and Clairegripped it, eyes steady on Raymond.

“You gave me the gift of my life.” Claire’s voice wastired, subdued. “I didn’t want it at the time – not for a long time. But I amgrateful.”

“And you have this beautiful daughter.” Now Raymondturned to Bree, gently gathering her hands in his. “I called your mother ‘madonna.’Do you know why, Brianna?”

I saw Brianna swallow, almost painfully. Mesmerized bythis man.

“She’s a mother.”

“Yes, that is true. She believed the same, when I askedher this question, many years ago. But it is more than that.”

Claire squeezed my hand. Memories of Paris flashed –Jared’s house, L’Hopital, the Bois. And I realized that Claire had never toldme about this exchange with Raymond.

“Everyone has a color about them.” Raymond’s words werecareful, measured. “All around them, like a cloud. Your mother’s is blue, likethe Virgin’s cloak.”

He paused. Glanced over to me. Returned his gaze to mydaughter.

“Your father’s is red. Many years ago, before you wereborn, I called him the ‘red man.’”

Claire’s hand went ice cold in my grip.

“But you, Brianna – yours is blue as well. It is like myown.”

Brianna stood up, dropping Raymond’s hands.

“What do you mean?” she whispered. “Are you like us?”

“Your daughter – hers is the same color blue. The mostvibrant I have ever seen.”

I knelt at Claire’s side, wrapping my arms around her asshe trembled.

“Can you travel?”Brianna whispered.

Raymond sighed. “Yes, I am like you. Or more accurately,you are like me. And yes, I can walk through time. You don’t remember, but Iwould look in on you sometimes, on Furey Street.”

Brianna crumpled onto the settee.

“Why would you never come in?” Claire croaked, voice hoarsewith emotion.

“I knew of the sacrifice you had made to save yourdaughter, madonna. I did not want to disrupt that life.” He twisted his gnarledfingers on his lap. “I did attend your graduation from medical school. I cannottell you how pleased I am, Claire. You have done so much with your life.”

I struggled to find my voice. When I spoke, it sounded abit louder and harsher than I had intended.

“Are my women yer kin, then? Is that why ye’ve taken suchan – an interest in us?”

He looked at me. Those dark eyes were like staring intothe void of time itself.

“Claire is a cherished granddaughter, many times over. Iam privileged to have known her so closely. The purpose of my visit is to buildthe same bond with Claire’s descendants. And to teach them to heal, using the giftwe were all born with.”

The front door creaked open. The boys ran down thehallway, heading straight for the kitchen. Within seconds Roger appeared in thedoorway of the parlor, hat in his hands. His eyes darted from me, to Claire, toBree, to Raymond – clearly the source of tension in the room.

“Pardon. I’m Roger MacKenzie – Brianna’s husband.”

Raymond smiled, ecstatic. “Brianna – he is blue, too.”

[eclecticstarlightconnoisseur]

EDINBURGH TO BOSTON - CHAPTER 16 - REACH OUT, I’LL BE THERE

Good Evening all! Here is the long-awaited next chapter of Edinburgh to Boston. Once again life has sent another challenge my way to cope with. There are days I cope well and other days. But,let’s not discuss that.

I also had another reason to keep this back until now.  This chapter deals with subjects that are relevant to the New Year: hope, forgiveness, new beginnings, peace. 

As always, I need to thank my most fabulous beta @scubalass​ who finds all my errors, inconsistencies and generally keeps me on the straight and narrow path. I could not do this without you. 🧡🤗

Another interesting item is that Hubby and I were watching a documentary on Motown and the song Reach Out, I’ll Be There came on. And all I could think about was that must be how Jamie feels about Claire as he listens to her. There is a youtube link at the end of the chapter for the song at the end.

I welcome any suggestions, thoughts, comments on the story. I would really like to hear what you think of this chapter.

So without further delay, I give you:

Edinburgh to Boston

Chapter 16

Reach Out, I’ll Be There.

Now if you feel that you can't go on

Because all of your hope is gone,

And your life is filled with much confusion

Until happiness is just an illusion,

And your world around is crumblin' down;

Darling, reach out (come on girl, reach on out for me)

Reach out (reach out for me.)

I'll be there, with a love that will shelter you.

I'll be there, with a love that will see you through.

I'll be there to always see you through.

******************************

She yearned to touch him. Kneeling beside him, her hands hesitating above his head. The need to touch him intoxicated her, to feel his soft curls, the hardness of his bone and flesh, his warm breath on her skin. She needed to know him as real and alive under her fingertips. Whole. But she felt afraid to startle him out of his deep meditative state.

She spoke to him in a hushed tone not wanting to startle him. “Jamie, it’s me, Claire.”

Jamie lifted his head up slowly, not really sure what he is seeing. At first, he believes she is an illusion, an apparition conjured by his fatigued and distraught mind.  He blinks several times, clearing his vision. “Claire, is it truly ye? Sassen...” he looked up at her, unsure if he should use her pet name.

Claire saw how the night affected him, eyes swollen and red-rimmed, eyelashes damp with tears. 

 “Yes, it’s me your Sassenach,” she smiled, gently stroking his cheek feeling the soft scruff prickling under her touch. “I became worried sick when you didn’t come back.  I...I thought maybe you were hurt or lost or had an accident.  I had to find you. God, Jamie, don’t ever do that again to me,” she whimpered eyes glazing with tears threatening to escape their boundaries. 

Jamie struggled to rise from his recumbent position. His legs trembled and he labored to stand. They were stiff from disuse, cold from lying prone on the marble floor, and the remnants of his drunkenness hampered his progress. He looked like a newborn colt’s gangly first attempt to stand. Claire quickly moved to his side using her body to support him as he struggled to remain upright. After regaining his stability, he wrapped her tightly in his arms, pulling her close to his chest. “Claire.” Her name rippled off his tongue like the ruffling of sweet water flowing down a burn. 

Overwhelmed with emotion Claire began to sob. She clutched his jacket needing something to hold on to. 

He spoke tenderly to her, whispering comforting words in Gàidhlig into her hair.  “‘Tis alright a leannan. I’m here. Dinna be afraid.”

Tenderly he stroked her back comforting her as if she were a small child. Her weeping grew faint reducing itself to a quiet hiccuping sound. She looked up into his kind blue eyes and punched him in the chest. 

“Ow! What was that for?!” he demanded with a surprised look on his face.

“You scared me. I...I thought lost you. I was afraid you wouldn’t come back.” She trembled in his arms, “I thought you...” She hesitated, “When you didn’t come back, I thought it was because you didn’t want me anymore.” Claire buried her face into his chest nervous about his reaction.

“Not? Not want ye? For the love of God, woman, I want ye more than life itself. How could I no’ want ye? Yer the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“Humph. Then why didn’t you come back?”

“Because I thought ye dinna want me.” He dropped his arms from around his beloved shifting his gaze to his shoes intently studying them as if something new and interesting happened to them.

 Turning away Jamie began to pace. His sound hand opened and closed into a fist. Anger and frustration pulsed through his veins. 

“I failed ye, Claire! Ye told me that yerself. Ye said I left ye there to fight him off, tae, tae defend yerself. And how do ye think that made me feel? Hmm?” he spat out angrily. “I kent I was wrong. ‘Tis bad enough that I kent it, but tae hear it from ye. By Christ, did ye need tae throw it in my face?” he fumed.  “Weel, after that I kent I was no’ man enough for ye.  Ye need someone better than me to care for ye. That...That ye deserve someone more capable than me as I couldna keep my word.” He stopped pacing, his back turned to her. “Ye ken tae a Highlander breaking a promise is a verra, verra serious thing. Did ye ken that? No, I dinna believe that ye do. ‘Tis a matter of honor and loyalty th...that yer word has value, meaning. That ye can be trusted. Christ, I couldna keep my promise to ye or to the damn wee birds!” Frustration and shame plagued him, his fingers erratically tapping against his thigh. 

He turned to face her, tears welling up from deep inside him running down his cheeks. “I’m nay good for ye. I came here and prayed for guidance. At the time I thought I was angry because ye dinna want tae have Frank arrested. Truth be told, it drives me mad that ye dinna.” His face was grim and taut with the thought of Frank escaping punishment.  “I understand why ye dinna want tae and I appreciate it. Not tae have the arrest record follow me for the rest of my professional life ‘tis a blessing. But, ye ken I woulda carried that weight for the rest of my life so ye could get justice.” He blew out a breath steadying himself. “Instead, what I found deep in my heart is that I am no’ man enough for ye. When ye needed me, I failed to protect ye as I swore tae do. I’m sorry Claire. Sae sorry for everything.” He turned and walked toward the exit leading back to the shelter. He had the appearance of a dejected man, shoulders slumped, head hanging low. “When I get back to Scotland, I’ll give in my resignation tae the hospital. I canna be yer partner anymore. Ye need someone ye can depend on. I’ll get my things and be out of yer life.”

“Go to him. Be with him. He needs you,” Brother Stan told her.

God Almighty, what have I done!? I’ve shattered this beautiful man, his beautiful soul. Do you see what your secrets have done Beauchamp? The damage you caused.

“JAMIE, WAIT.” Her voice echoed reverberating throughout the cavernous church waking the saints and angels to bear witness to her amende honorable before God and her man.

 Claire ran to him, blocking his way to the exit. She grabbed both arms, looked imploring up into his face, “Please Jamie, don’t go.”

“Lass, ye have a good heart. I ken ye feel the need tae forgive me. But I canna forgive myself for the dishonor I brought to ye, for being a disappointment tae ye. So if ye dinna mind,” Jamie’s hand went to break her hold on him.

“Please! Listen to me. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I haven’t been honest with you. I lied to you about Frank, about me, about our marriage. You need to hear the truth first. All of it. Please hear me out. Give me another chance.” She became frantic trying to make him understand, to listen to her. She took a deep breath having come to a decision that could possibly break her heart forever. “If after you listen, should you still want to leave then I’ll not stop you,” she bargained.

Jamie stopped struggling to escape her grasp on his arms. “Lass, what do ye mean ye lied tae me?” His lips drew taut in an angry thin line. The only thing that Jamie Fraser could not abide was a lie. “Ye lied to me about what?” he asked glaring at her.

Claire let out a breath she did not know she was holding. She rather risk his ire than have him reproach himself when he was blameless. 

“We need to sit. This is a long story. I only ask that you listen with all your heart and an open mind.”

The Scot looked at her quirking an eyebrow in question. “Alright let’s hear it then.”

Claire took him by the hand and led him to a pew. She looked up to the altar, uttered a silent prayer asking for strength to tell him the truth and to accept his ultimate decision.

Taking his hand in hers, she began her confession.

“Everything I told you about how Frank insinuated himself into Lamb and my life is true. He is a master manipulator. He convinced Lamb that he truly cared for me. His behavior could even be called gallant, respectful, courteous. But that all changed once we were married. He was jealous, and became abusive, especially when drunk.” 

She recounted the incident with poor Albert the young professor. “He had threatened Albert, and actually took a swing at him. Fortunately, because of Frank’s level of intoxication, his punch went wide completely missing him.”

She peaked at Jamie from under her lashes. His face remained unreadable.

“Frank grabbed my hand and we left the party. In the car park, he started yelling. He insinuated things, calling me a whore. Then he threatened to beat me.” She told him that was not the only time he had acted like that. There were other incidents, some that ended in violence toward an innocent but the cruelty directed toward her continually escalated.

“Frank is jealous of you and the claim he believes you have on me. He thinks I’m still his. When we divorced, he seized hold of my arm telling me.” Claire paused. She looked toward the chapel ceiling trying desperately to compose herself. She bit her bottom lip hard enabling the coppery taste of blood to fill her mouth. She straightened herself, squaring her shoulders, and looked deeply into Jamie’s calm blue eyes. “Frank said that the divorce meant nothing. He would never let me go. That I am his forever and any man who thought differently would end up being very sorry. He touched me to mark me hoping you would walk away thinking me his or tarnished.  What happened couldn’t have been avoided. He was hellbent on creating trouble.” She blew out a sigh, “I’m sorry for blaming you, Jamie. Neither you nor I could have stopped this from happening.”

When you feel lost and about to give up

'Cause your best just ain't good enough

And you feel the world has grown cold,

And you're drifting out all on your own,

And you need a hand to hold:

Darling, reach out (come on girl, reach out for me)

She continued with story after story. Stories about how he degraded her during her residency and fellowship. Implying the only reason she passed was because of his and Lamb’s influence. This only made Claire work harder to be recognized on her own merit. She became chief resident then chief fellow. She became a recipient of several prestigious awards for the research she did as a cardiac fellow. Despite this, Frank continued to claim her achievements were the result of his influence and not her excellence as a doctor.

Claire stopped talking. She raised her hands to her temples massaging the throbbing pain sitting there.

She resumed her tale continuing to pour her heart out to Jamie who sat expressionless and silent. Imperceptibly, his hand gravitated to hers which now rested in her lap. A thumb began to gently stroke her hand. His hand squeezed hers, supporting her, comforting her. Touching made the ordeal easier somehow. 

I can tell the way you hang your head,

You're without love and now you're afraid

And through your tears, you look around,

But there's no peace of mind to be found.

I know what you're thinkin',

You're alone now, no love of your own,

But darling, reach out (come on girl, reach out for me)

“Go on, lass. There’s more isn’t there?”

Claire bobbed her head up and down acknowledging his statement. Swallowing the lump that formed in her throat, she pressed on with her story. “You recall,” she said with a shaky voice, “I told you that the box of love letters from Frank’s girlfriends fell, opening, and I read them. I also told you that I confronted him and he admitted to all the affairs. I said I struck him and went back to Lamb.  Well, the truth  is that I did find a box of letters, I lied about the rest.” The penitent, took a deep breath, exhaled and began. “What did happen was the day Frank found out he did not make tenure, he came home drunk. He threw me against the door, slapped and punched me in the face. When he was done with that, he grabbed me by the hair and slammed my head down on the dresser, and then.” Claire paused steeling her courage, “And then he raped me. My face was bruised, my mouth and lips were bloody. There were ecchymoses under my eye, my arms and thighs.  I fought him, but he was too strong. After he left, I packed my things and fled to Lamb’s place. That’s when I found the letters after I pulled my suitcase out of the closet.” 

“He broke me. He. Broke. Me. I was never the same after that.” She kept her eyes on him watching for his reaction. 

Jamie said nothing. His muscles tensed, and she saw his hand close ever so slowly into a white-knuckled fist. His eyes grew dark like black swirling thunderheads ready to unleash their fury. His breathing grew deeper, faster. A guttural growl emanated from the farthest reaches of his chest vibrating through him. The veins in his neck distended as blood coursed through them. They looked like great snakes undulating as they filled and emptied with each hammering beat of his heart.

She didn’t know how long had she spoke. It could have been minutes or hours. But she told him everything leaving out nothing. As she finished her account, Claire admitted, “No one outside of Lamb and Lamb’s lawyer knew any of this as I never told another soul.”

Hearing the details of her nightmare flooded Jamie with so many emotions, anger for the pain she suffered. Admiration for her strength and resiliency. Love. His love for her only deepened. It had no limit; it had no end. She was a survivor. And she was his.

“Why did ye no’ tell me, Claire?”

Looking down at her hands, she whispered, “I didn’t want to tell you for fear of what you would think of me. Tainted, damaged, useless. That you would believe the things Frank said about me. That you couldn’t, wouldn’t see me.” She sat up straighter, turned and looked her lad in the face. “If this is too much for you Jamie, I understand. If you want to go, well there’s no hard feelings, just go.” She gave him a small smile and sat waiting. 

She had the desire to cry, but would not. To do so would be to continue Frank’s hold over her. To let him continue to own her. By telling Jamie the truth, it liberated her. The demon was cast out and struck down. The exorcism complete. Her eyes strayed toward the shrine of St. Michael. The Archangel was renowned for slaying the dragon. At this moment, Claire felt a kinship with the saint for tonight she slew her own. She would not let Frank possess her ever again. She finally won her freedom.

Reach out (reach out for me.)

Just look over your shoulder

I'll be there, to give you all the love you need,

And I'll be there, you can always depend on me.

It seemed like an interminable length of time before Jamie spoke, “Mo nighean donn, yer a braw lass, sae brave, sae strong. I love ye Claire, but ye shoulda told me,” he admonished her. “Ye shouldna be carrying this alone. I have a broad enough back to carry this with ye.” His arms came and wrapped around her, pulling her to his chest, enveloping her in his love.

“I dinna want ye to ever feel ye canna tell me something, mo chridhe. Ye need to reach out for me, come tae me. I’ll always be here for ye. Always.” Gently he placed a delicate kiss on her crown tugging her even closer to him.

Claire looked up into his kind blue eyes, feeling the love therein. “There is another reason that I didn’t want to tell you all of this. Fear of what you would do it you ever met Frank. I bloody did not want you to kill him, James Fraser. I am a terrible baker.”

His brow furrowed with a look of puzzlement running across his face. “Lass, I dinna take yer meaning. What in hell are ye goin’ on about?” He looked up and stared directly at the altar. His face turned bright red with the realization of where he was and mumbled a heartfelt, “Pardon.”

She looked at him with a smirk on her face and a laugh waiting to erupt from her lips. “I don’t think I could bake a cake with a saw in so you could escape from jail.” Her eyes danced with the light of merriment and joy. The lines of pain and stress so long part of her visage were smoothed away. She positively glowed.

Jamie swallowed hard. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he attempted to stifle his own laugh. He rested his chin on the top of her head, “A nighean,” he sighed and pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose.

“Ye’re daft woman, ye ken? But, I love ye fine and that’s all about that.”

Claire nestled against his chest feeling safe and loved and relieved.

They sat there immersed in their own little sphere of happiness. Not speaking, not moving, just being.

“Claire? Lass?” I think it’s time we go.”

“Mmm, yes I think we should go too. I’ve had enough of Boston, Jamie. Take me home. Home to Scotland.” 

“Aye, Scotland,” he choked with emotion.

They walked together fingers interlaced toward the exit through the shelter.  Claire helped Jamie into his overcoat and placed his beanie on his head. She quickly prepared herself for a wintery blast as well. They found Brother Stan at his work, comforting all who needed it.

“Thank ye Brother for everything. I’ll never forget ye,” Jamie clasped the cleric’s hand warmly.

Claire leaned forward giving the clergyman a quick peck on the cheek. “Thank you for looking after him.”

“Go with God, go in peace, go in love,” he wished the couple. 

“And,” winking at Jamie “don’t beat up any more trees, eh?”

With his head bowed, a grin on his face, Jamie responded, “Trust me,  Brother, they are safe from me.”

Claire took out her mobile ordered a car to take them to their next destination.

************

They arrived back at the hospital for one final check on Jamie’s hand. A confirmatory X-Ray revealed no new breaks just some new bone bruises. Dr. Nelson, visibly annoyed with his recalcitrant patient placed a brace over the injured hand immobilizing and protecting it from further damage.

“Dr. Fraser,” he reprimanded harshly, “You need to take better care of your hands. Unless of course, you don’t want to operate anymore,” he inquired raising a questioning eyebrow.  

Jamie, rather shamefaced replied, “Aye, I do. ‘Twas foolish and careless of me. It willna happen again. Thank ye for yer care, Dr. Nelson. Truly.”

Once again, they bid their farewells to the staff and hurriedly headed once more to the hotel.

 *********************************

The fatigue from the previous day dragged at their heels. Sleep though would remain elusive as preparations for their departure took precedence. Each surgeon took turns washing their faces and brushing their teeth hoping a modicum of cleanliness would keep their exhaustion at bay. 

Claire began the task of packing their suitcases while Jamie spent his time trying to find an earlier flight home.

He watched as Claire sorted their things methodically and neatly packing. Despite the smile on her face, he could see her desire to be away from here and safe in the embrace of Scotland.

As he dialed the airline he prayed, “God dinna let me fail her this time. I need tae get her away from here, from the memories and the pain. Please.”

“Good morning! Alba Airlines this is Ainslie. How may I assist ye?” chirped a feminine voice on the other end of the phone.

“Good morning tae ye. This is Dr. James Fraser and I’m wondering do ye have any available seats leaving today from Boston to Edinburgh, for two?” 

“One moment sir.” Jamie could hear the clicking of the keyboard as Ainslie typed finding their reservation information to leave Boston in three days; time. The representative hummed softly as she searched for any vacant seats.

“Dr. Fraser,” she said exuberantly, “It just so happens that a couple canceled their flight for today. That flight leaves at 9:50 PM. Would that be alright?”

“Aye, lass that would be fine.  Please make the reservation for Dr. James Fraser and Dr. Claire Beauchamp.” 

“Dinna worry Dr. Fraser, I will make all the necessary arrangements for ye and Dr. Beauchamp.”

“Thank ye kindly, lass.” 

“Sassenach, ‘tis all arranged. Our flight is at 9:50 PM.  ‘Tis a bit late, but at least we leave today. Alright?”

She comes and stands between his legs, wrapping her arms around his neck.  Slowly Claire bends and places a kiss to his cheek. “You’re a magician. How did you manage it?”

Jamie wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him resting his head on her abdomen, “‘Twas naught but a wee bit of luck.”

“Well, whatever you did, I’m glad of it,” she smiled tenderly at him.

He looked at her with hungry eyes, pulled her down to sit on his knee. “I love ye, mo chridhe, always.” 

Claire wrapped her arms around his neck pressed her forehead against his whispering, “And I you, forever.”

Jamie took in the face that was his heart. His lass’s face glowed in the soft light. Her eyes soft like a fine sherry, her skin like pearl, and her lips. Ah, her lips blushed like pink rosebuds, plump and sweet, begging to be kissed and kissed often. Slowly, his hand reached up cupping her cheek as his thumb traced her lips. Oh, how he wanted to kiss her, ravage her mouth with his. Possess her. But he couldn’t. Not after her revelations. He simply could not come to her like a brute blind with need. No. That would never do.

“Claire. Lass, I would. I’d like verra much to kiss ye. May I?”  

“Yes,” she whispered while nuzzling his cheek.

Their lips came together tentatively at first, just a mere touching. Claire moved to deepen the kiss.  Her lips parted and her tongue danced across his lips seeking entry. Jamie startled, then yielded to her request. Their tongues moved in a tantalizing rhythm of their own making swirling, tasting. Her hands tangled in the silken curls at his nape. His hand brushed across her back caressing her luxuriating in the feel of her body against his.  And suddenly he broke the kiss. He stared at her. Her face was flushed with passion, eyes smoldering, lips kiss swollen. 

She fisted his shirt, “I want you, now,” she whimpered.

Jamie rested his forehead against hers, “No, a nighean, no’ here in this place of heartache and sorrow. I dinna want ye tae recall our joining here to be tainted with the memories of what happened with Frank last night.” He paused, considering what he wanted to say next. “Ye deserve better my own. I need to love ye in a place that belongs only to us. A place of love. No’ a place where we try tae erase memories but a place where we make them.” He took her hand and kissed each of her knuckles,  “I need tae take my time so I can serve ye rightly. No’ like this,” his voice low and sultry. “We’ll have time when we return to Scotland. Then I swear I mean to make ye moan and weep, even if ye dinna wish tae. I mean tae make ye sigh and scream with the wanting. And at the last, tae cry out my name. Then and only then shall I know that I served ye well.”

Claire leaned forward bit the shell of his ear and murmured, “I’ll keep you to that promise, Jamie Fraser. Do not disappoint me.” 

She stood and noticed an errant sock on the floor. Bending all the way over to pick it up, she displayed, according to James Fraser, her finest asset and gave it a slight wiggle. Slowly the tease stood up sock in hand. She heard a small groan and mutterings in Gàidhlig. 

“Good,” she thought. “That should teach him not to trifle with her.”  

Turning her head around to look over her shoulder, she gave him her most coquettish looks, “I’m going to take a shower.” Claire walked toward the bathroom with an unmistakable sway to her hips. Her lover’s grumbling became louder.

Claire showered, towel-dried, wrapped her hair in a towel and dressed in her robe. She felt relaxed from the heat of the water. The warmth from the shower induced a feeling of calmness and bone-weary tiredness causing her to struggle to keep her eyes open.

How many hours had it been since she had a decent night’s sleep Claire wondered? Too many. She could not recall when she last had a full night’s sleep. But it really didn’t matter how long she had gone without sleep. She would gladly do it again and again and again. For him. She is the keeper of his heart and soul. Never again would she let harm come to him. Nothing else mattered only Jamie. She could not, would not let anything or anyone come between them. He was hers.  

Walking out of the bathroom, the bed looked enticing. It called to her seducing her with a magnetic force she was powerless to resist. Claire tugged on his shirt that she had napped in earlier along with fresh panties. Climbing onto the bed, she stretched out waiting for Jamie to join her after his shower.  The pull of slumber, however, was too great. Slowly her head began to slump forward only to jerk her back into wakefulness as she felt her head drop.

Jamie followed suit, still mumbling his irritation to himself as he entered the bathroom. He quickly showered succumbing to the peace and tranquility of his ablutions. He felt purified somehow.  The pain, tension, and worry were washed away and circling down the drain. He released himself from the stress of the past day and surrendered to his exhaustion. 

How long has it been since he was this tired, he wondered? Probably not since his medical internship. Shite, that was a long time ago and he thought he was feeling his age. I’m tae old tae be doing this sort of thing, he scolded himself. He looked up and thought about the Sassenach in the other room.  I may be too old for this, but she’s worth it. He chuckled to himself. Aye, I’d walk through the fires of hell and back for her. He knew he would willingly suffer more than a few sleepless nights for her because he loved her more than life itself.

He came out of the bathroom with the towel slung low over his hips. He rootled around in his suitcase finding his sleep pant. As he pulled them on he caught a glance of Claire sitting on the bed her head bobbing as she struggled to remain awake. Climbing into bed he drew her to him.

“Sassenach, we need to sleep awhile. Let me hold ye. Come, lass lay yer head down.” They lay together spoon fashion. Jamie wrapping one arm around her chest while the other lay across her abdomen. He felt the steady thrum of her heart becoming soothed by it. Claire snuggled closer, her arse nestled in his groin. She mumbled, “I love you.” 

“I love ye too, mo ghràdh.” They closed their eyes yielding to the narcotic of sleep.

A hazy winter’s afternoon light cast about the room. Early shadows crept up the walls. 

Jamie woke first. He was lying on his back and his Sassenach curled into his side, her head resting on his chest. She snored lightly as she slept. His hand came around moving her curls off her face allowing him to study her in repose. She looked relaxed.  The usual lines around her eyes and mouth were gone. She mumbled something incoherent and gave a wee chuckle. She was dreaming.  He hoped she was happy. He hoped she was dreaming of him and that he was making her happy. Placing a gentle kiss to her hair, he closed his eyes thinking just for a few minutes more.

The room was dark. The weak winter light had long gone. Claire’s eyes blinked adjusting to the dimness of the room. She became aware of Jamie’s slumbering form next to her, breathing gently, hands folded across his chest. He looked like one of the tomb figures she had seen during her travels with Lamb. All that was needed to complete this picture was a little dog asleep at his feet. 

She snuggled against him, inhaling his sleepy scent. Masculine. She exhaled contentedly and then saw the clock blinking angrily 5:01 PM. 

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, we have to be at the airport by 7:30 PM. 

“Wake up! Jamie! Wake up! We need to get ready to leave.”

Jamie became instantly awake, jumping out of the bed scanning the room for threats of danger. Seeing none, he turned his attention to Claire.

“What’s amiss lass?”

Claire was hopping around on one leg trying to shimmy into her jeans. “We need to leave for the airport soon. Don’t we need to take care of the bill? We didn’t even tell them we were leaving. We need to get a car. Jamie, why are you standing there looking at me like that? We need to hurry.”

He sat down heavily on the bed scrubbing his face with his hands. “Lass, dinna do that again. Ye scared me to death. I took care of everything while ye were in the shower. There is nae bill. I spoke with the manager about shortening our stay. He was no’ happy at first, but I convinced him otherwise. Then the wee mannie could no’ do enough. It was aye Dr. Fraser, of course, Dr. Fraser.” Jamie chortled to himself.

Claire gave him a side-long look. “Exactly what did you do to make him so, shall we say, agreeable?”

“Oh, no’ much,” Jamie replied with a broad smile on his lips. “I just insinuated that if word got around about what happened last night the publicity may no’ be in his favor, aye?” His cat-eyes gleamed with mischief.

“Jamie you didn’t!”

“I did.” he snorted. “The man was being a right arse.”

“You know I would never allow that to happen. It would be too embarrassing!”

“I ken it, but he doesna. And Padrick will pick us up at 6 P. M. to take us to the airport.”

“You devious…”

“I am.” With that, he fell backward onto the bed laughing until tears leaked out.

“I told ye Sassenach, I would take care of ye, did I no?” He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand.

“Yes, you did. You didn’t say how though.” She shakes her head. Claire came closer to him placing a soft kiss on his lips, “Ridiculous man.”

“But ye love me.?” It was both a statement and a question.

“Very much so.” 

They finished packing their bags, dressed quickly and went to the lobby to wait for Padrick.

Seeing Jamie, Pierre the maitre d’hotel surreptitiously approached him. “Dr. Fraser, if I might have a word with you? In private.” He grabbed Jamie by the coat sleeve pulling him into a small out of the way alcove where they would not be observed.  “I know the Madame did not wish a list of names who witnessed the umm, shall we say, the occurrence of last night. However, I took it upon myself to create such a list.” 

He handed Jamie a list of the patrons of the restaurant with statements of what they observed duly notarized. It also contained names and contact information should there be a need to testify on behalf of  Dr. Beauchamp.

“The Madame is such a lovely lady and the man un foutu de salaud,un fils d'une pute. He shall never step inside this restaurant again,” he growled.  “I am so sorry this happened to her. Would you keep this for her should she ever need it?” He pressed the envelope into Jamie’s hand.

Jamie overwhelmed from the gentleman’s kindness clasped his shoulder with gratitude. “Merci, mon Amie.” He took the envelope and placed inside his coat’s inner pocket.

“Le plaisir était pour moi, Monsieur.” Pierre bowed and left.

Claire waited impatiently for him in the lobby. Upon seeing him, she glared at him suspiciously, “Where were you?” She had the feeling he was up to something that he did not want her to know about.

Thinking quickly and not completely telling a lie, “I thanked Pierre for his assistance last night, Sassenach. He also assured me that the villain wouldna be allowed back in his establishment.” Jamie said that with no little satisfaction.  He liked the idea of Frank being ostracized from the brasserie.  It was some mark of justice.  

He clasped her chin raising her head up and brushed his lips across hers, “Come Sassenach, our car awaits.”

Padrick the ever-present chauffeur loaded their luggage into the boot and swiftly departed for the airport.

Jamie and Claire arrived at the airport making their way to the Alba Airline terminal. 

“‘Twill be good to be home, Sassanech, do ye no’ agree?”

“Yes, I do,” she sighed with relief at the prospect of leaving Boston.

They found seats in the waiting area and made themselves as comfortable as possible.

“Do ye remember when we left Edinburgh, lass, ye were busy staring at my arse? Did it live up to yer expectations, then?” he said smugly.

“If you must know,” she sat there contemplating. “Hmm, well I would say umm…”

“Fer Christ’s sake, Claire, is it or is it no???” He seemed rather annoyed that her answer was not immediately forthcoming. 

It seems that men even beautifully made men like Jamie, had body-image issues, not unlike women.

Claire looked at him eyes twinkling, “Did I offend you, Fraser? Yes, you have the finest arse I have ever seen or will ever want to see. Better?”

“Yes.” He looked very cross his lip jutting out like a petulant little boy who had been told he could not have a treat. Claire gave him a jab in the ribs and gave him a wry smile. They looked at each other, chins quivering and began to laugh. “I love ye, lass, ye ken it. But yer wicked in yer ways.”

The PA system crackled to life.

Flight 8389 Boston to Edinburgh International Airport now boarding at Gate 34. Please have yer boarding passes ready.

Home.

A/N:

Amende honorable -- was originally a mode of punishment in France which required the offender, barefoot and stripped to his shirt, and led into a church or auditory with a torch in his hand and a rope around his neck held by the public executioner, to beg pardon on his knees of his God, his king, and his country; now the term is used to denote a satisfactory apology or reparation. Amende honorable forbade revenge.

Un foutu de salaud,  -- fucking bastard

 Fils d'une pute. --  son of a whore   

Le plaisir était pour moi, Monsieur  --  The pleasure is all mine, sir.

The song: Reach Out (I’ll Be There) was performed by the Four Tops. 

Released: 1966

Songwriter(s): Holland–Dozier–Holland

Youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqFz7T5v3iU

[thecurseoflife]

CHAPTER 9 - The snakes and the mage

Camalia was fighting sleep. But it had been hours since the last hinch of pain or whispers in her head, and she was slowly dozing off. For the first time in a week, the prison was calm. It was so comfortable. She needed this. She needed to rest. But the fear was keeping her awake. It had to be a plan... They'll be... Attacking soon... She had... To... Stay... Awake...

It was nice. Nice and warm. No nightmares, no anything. Just a reassuring black box. Eveything felt so peaceful and fine. It was if all her problems went away. She was finally okay.

A violent push snapped her eyes open and she jumped on her feet. The dizziness of sleep not helping, she stumbled against the wall.

-I AM AWAKE ! I'm awake ! I can fight you, With' ! And now I've got- wait why is it dark.

The cell was completely black, the only light being the moon and the candles lighting up the corridor. She frowned. Has she really slept that long ? Did the snakes really let her sleep that long ? Something was up. They would never help her recover from their own torture.

She looked in the corridor, in the cells beside her... No, she was alone. No one was there to hold the curse. It was the snakes decision. It had to mean bad for her. She stood in the middle of the mess she called home.

-Uhm... Witheria ? Decaiera ? Hey, I am wide awake and totally cursable ! Wouldn't it be fun to uh... Curse me ?

Silence. Something was definitely up. She sighed. There was nothing she could do but enjoy this "night off". Camalia took her guitare and started playing in front of the wall, making a broom out of the stones. She took it and started swipping the floor. It would be a shame to hurt herself again when she'll be acting like a beast. She cleared the cell and repeared the pillow. The music mage couldn't really hurt herself with this. Might as well keep it. She yawned. Even if she slept the entire day, she was still tired. But something seemed to hold her back from diving into sweet darkness again. She shrugged it off. It probably was just her. She hoped. Camalia looked at her clothes, hair and skin and winced. She really was disgusting. Thanks to various melodies, a nice bath and some time, she wiped every trace of the past few days from her. Satisfied, she looked around. Well. There wasn't much more to do. Now, the cell was empty, except from her, the pillow and her guitare. Even the bed's chains didn't resist her rage.

She sat on the ground and yawned again. Maybe now she could sleep. She lay down and was about to close her eyes when she heard the loud noise of the prison door opening. At that time of night, it must have been an emergency. She went to the bars and a chill was sent down her spine as she froze.

It was Varian.

With a third of the guards of the kingdom, of course, but it was still him. Camalia felt a wave of panic but she couldn't speak. Her throat was to tight, her mind was racing but with the same sentence over and over again.

"What do I do"

They started walking toward the stairs to go to lower level. It relieved Camalia a little bit. It wouldn't change much, but if she lost control, it would be safer than if he was right next to her. She looked at Varian and was put off by his angry eyes. She was about to say something to him when she spotted Captain at the end of the guards' chain.

-CAP !

The guard walked toward her. Camalia didn't even know what she was about to say. She just had to try something to put Varian in safety. Anything.

-Please, please Captain, you HAVE to put Varian somewhere else ! Somewhere far away from me ! Please ! I-I don't know what is going to happen this year. I mean, I'll think of something eventually, but if I don't... PLEASE, Cap...

Maybe Stan was right after all. If she feared for the boy's safety, maybe he should fear for the castle's. He took a deep breath and was about to answer, when someone violently punched the bars beside him, making Cap jump.

-Oh, so even now you want to get rid of me.

Varian was set off by her noticing his dark gaze and IMMEDIATLY wanting to push him away again. So that how it was, now. He really had to get over the time they were friends. The guards were ready to jump on him but Captain held them back.

-Varian, wha-

-Shut up ! I don't want to hear any of your lies again ! I know about your curse. I know about your people. I know everything, Camalia. I know you tried to manipulate me, that nothing was true from start to finish. You were never my friend, were you ? All you ever cared about was your curse. You thought you could use me and my alchemy, but when you realized I was useless, you just threw me away.

-N-No, that's not-

-Not true ? Then what was ? What truth did you let me see in your sea of lies ?

Camalia was frozen. Her heart was racing, so was her thoughts. She knew she was wrong, she knew it wasn't what she should have done. She knew everything and yet, she did it. The music mage broke her friend with her bare hands. She opened her mouth.

-I... I am your friend. But I was a bad one. You're right. I kept lying to you when I shouldn't have. I-I'm really sorry Varian. I was just... I wanted to... I'm sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, but... I still care about you, and I don't want you to get h- to get even more hurt than now. Please, Varian. You have to get away from me.

Thinking about it, and hearing it from her own lips really was two very different things. So he was right. He was right all along. He felt sick and angry. He stared into her bright green eyes.

-Don't worry. I will never get near you ever again.

He stepped back and let the guards drag him away without another word. Captain was about to add something but he changed his mind and left. It wasn't the right time.

And once again, Camalia was left alone.

Soon enough, she felt the presence of one of the snakes behind her.

-It was your plan from the very beginning, right Witheria ?

She was mad. Mad at herself and mad at her curse. She was tired of surviving and agonising all the time. It was all that she put in her eyes when she looked at the giant black snake.

-Oh, come on, little plant. Don't give me so much credit. You're the one that messed up this friendship. I just made sure you suffer the consequencies.

The wheezing and falsy tender voice of the snake resonnated in the empty prison as she spoke.

-Yeah, well, geez, thanks.

-You are quite welcome, little plant. You know I always have the best ideas.

Camalia leant on one of the walls and let herself slid down. She sighed.

-So, what now ? Are you going to make me feel like there's fire instead of blood in my body ? Froze me in place for hours ? Choke me again ? Whipers unwanted truths in my mind ? Make me go insane ? Possess me ?

The snake slithered on the ground, weeling the small human with it's long body. Her black scales were shining in the light of the moon and her bright cold eyes were searching deep into the child's soul, like she had done for the past ten years. Witheria smiled softly.

-No~ I'd rather see you suffer quietly. You know manipulating mind is more of Decaiera kind of things.

Brutal doubts inserted themselves in the music mage mind. She sudddenly got up, her heart pounding in her chest. She couldn't speak loud, as if she didn't really want the answer to what she was about to ask. So Camalia whispered with terror.

-Did you... Did you put the idea of lying to Varian in my mind ? Did you convince me it was what I was supposed to do ?

Witheria's smile widened.

-Oh my, little plant. How dare you insult my sister like that ? She had no need to convince you. She merely suggested the thought.

Camalia tottered backward, shocked. She put a shaky hand over her mouth, feeling tears ran down her cheek. Is any of the decisions she ever made even her's ? Was she always just the puppet of her curse ? Was she this easy to manipulate ? No. No no no. Camalia, put yourself together. That's exactly the reaction the snake expected. She had to stay calm.

-You have to understand, my sweet and fragile little plant...

The snake tail softly brushed a tear of her face as she backed down in disgust.

-... He would have taken you away from us. But we don't want that. We need you to say it. We need you by our side forever, Camalia. We are your curse. You are our anchor. You can't get rid of us like you got rid of that alchemy boy. We'll always be there.

Rage filled Camalia mind and heart. She slapped the tail with violence and stepped forward, surprising the snake.

-I did NOT get rid of him. I do not BELONG TO YOU. And whatever you do, I will always fight you, until my last breath if I have to. I hate you, Witheria. With all my heart, I deeply hate you.

The snake angrily hissed.

-Don't be stupid, Camalia. Realize what you've done. You pushed the boy away from you, with some quite success I might add. And we belong to you as much as you belong to us. We are linked, my dear. And this link is unbreakable. Neither I or you can destroy it. Stop acting like a child and grow up for once !

This time, the music mage slammed the snake against the wall, and put her face millimeters from the muzzle of the animal. She had a threatning aura that deeply unsettled Witheria. She never saw her like that.

-No, now you listen to ME. I don't care if Varian hates me, I don't care if we are linked, I don't CARE if you will hant me for the rest of my days, and I don't care what you think. I am me, and I make my own decisions, my own mistakes, my own path, and NO ONE, not a stupid curse nor a lost friend will tell me what to do. NO ONE decide who I am but me. I lost my only friend, and it is all my fault. I decided to lie, I decided to be in prison, I decided to protect him. I. Make. My. Own. Decisions. And of all the things you have ever done, you will NOT take that away from me.

Suddenly a giant black tail, slightly lighter than Witheria's twisted itself around Camalia's waist and threw her on the wall on the other side of the cell.

-How dare you speak like that to my sister ?

The strong voice, lower than the other snake sent chills down everyone that could hear it. The anger and outrage behind it told long about what she was about to do to anyone that provoked her wrath. Her tail was still around Camalia's waist, and she lifted her back up, to her green eyes.

-Do you really think you're in position to ask anything ?!

She slammed her against the wall again, earning a small yelp from the girl.

-WE have control over our link !

She slammed her again. Camalia's sight was blurry, as blood was dripping from her head.

-WE can hurt you throught it !

And again. Camalia was on the verge of passing out, her whole body numb.

-WE can make your life hell !

The last hit was heard miles away. Decaiera released the music mage, unconscious.

-And we will make you play the hurt incantation. She whispered like a warning.

Both of the snakes fade into the shadows, seconds before Captain arrived, running at the source of the loud noises he heard. His eyes widened when he found the girl on the ground, a pool of blood forming around her head. He called for help and unlocked the cell to take her into his arms. The guards arrived and some of them stopped in shock in front of the horrible state of the prisonner.

They acted fast. Masha and another maid bandaged her broken arm and tried to heal her head as best as they could. She was badly hurt, but surprisingly, she would have no scars nor aftermaths whatsoever. Whoever hit her knew what they were doing. She stayed unconscious in bed for an entire week.

When she woke up, she was back in jail. A new table and bed were awaiting for her and her guitare. She sat on the bed with caution and winced slightly when she tried to rest on her broken arm. She lifted her shirt and an entire side of hee body was covered with bruises. Sadly, because of her arm, she couldn't play the melody of heal. Decaiera knew exactly where to hit. Camalia tried to stand but her legs were too weak and she collapsed. Her entire body ached and she whimpered in pain.

-Are you quite calmed down, now dear ?

-Is my death glare enough of an answer ?

Witheria sighed.

-We just need you to play and sing the incantation and we'll be gone, little plant. No more torture nor broken friendship.

The music mage let out a laugh empty of any joy.

-Yeah, great, and so will be half of my life and probably all life in this castle. No thanks, I think I'll pass.

-And yet, hissed a soft voice, you tried to make the boy to leave the castle.

Camalia winced and looked at Decaiera who just spoke, deep in her green eyes without answering. She always had been the quieter one. But also the smartest. Witheria was all about physical hurt and long sentences. Decaiera was softer, her way of cursing the girl were always more... Sneaky. She used the link to it's full potential, searching in Camalia's mind and whispering hurtful truth in her ears. Whereas her sister rather use the link to inflict deep horrible pain in her body, pain she couldn't make without the link. The entire purpose of that was to make her play and sing the hurt incantation. One of the line to the spell was "to set the spirit free" and strangely enough, the two snakes were convinced it was the only way to break the link and to doom their holder. Weird flex, but alright.

Camalia never thought about playing the hurt incantation. Well, the melody was the same than the melody of heal, but with the singing part added, the purpose of the spell changed. The music mage read about the incantation and the power of her people. She immediatly understood the consequencies if she ever played the melody under the snakes influence. If she was the one initiating it and focusing it's power on a special point, it would be fine. But if she was upset, confused and hurt... If she was possessed by the snakes...

That's why she wanted to push Varian away so badly. She discovered about that destructive possibility only a year ago, and even before she never wanted to help the snakes, no matter what they said. If she had found out before getting imprisonned, she would have gone to an empty island and spent the rest of her day fighting her curse. Not a bright future, but if it could save lives, she would do it.

Camalia took a deep breath. She got up, helping herself with the table, pain spreading into her body. She looked at both the snakes with determination in her eyes.

-I will never play that melody for you. Never.

-Never say never, little plant.

The snakes faded in the shadows and Camalia was immediatly struck with an unbearable pain. She screamed until her voice broke and she passed out. Well, at least she could rest.

Varian was pushed in a dark cell in the level below. The guards locked it and regrouped on the order of Captain. The alchemist sighed and sat on the bed.

-Well, that was quite a fight you guys had up there.

He immediatly got back up and stared into the shadows, from the other bed, where the voice spoke. The well of light only made a very soft blue lightning, and not enough to actually see the room through and through.

-Varian, is it ?

Andrew's face appeared in the light, a soft smile on his face. He seemed really tired. Big dark circles weren't ruining his beautiful face. His beard seemed to need to be cut, and long gorgeous hair were popping onto his shoulder. The alchemist was a little put back by the handsomeness of the man. He was still suspicious. Experience told him not to trust anyone.

-How... Do you know my name ?

-Ceiling are fin in here.

Varian looked up to the well of light that was leading to another cell. The prisonner probably heard his every move. He narrowed his eyes and didn't continue the conversation.

-My name is Andrew. I am from Saporia.

The boy was startled by the mention of the ancient organization ennemy of his kingdom. This information didn't really motivated Varian to get to know the man better.

-I was put in jail by the princess and her friends when I tried to take King Herz Der Soone's journal.

The prisonner was being suspiciously honest. The alchemist couldn't tell if he liked that honesty or if he really didn't wanrt to know that.

-From what I understood, you don't like to be lied to. Well, I come clear to you.

-Thanks ?

-If we're going to be jailmate until the end of our life, it's probably better if we get along.

Varian was about to say something, but was cut by the voice of Camalia screaming.

-I did NOT get rid of him. I do not BELONG TO YOU.

The rest was said to low for anyone to understand. Despite everything, Varian still felt a point of worry in his heart. But he ignored it. He sat back into the bed and curled up there. Outside their cell, the guards had stopped talking.

-...ou listen to ME... -on't CARE if you will hant m-... make my own decisions, my own mistakes, my own path, and NO ONE, not a stupid curse nor a l-... NO ONE decide who I... -ill NOT take that away from me.

Half of her speech was cut off by the distance and the walls, but it was enough to understand what she was talking about. She was clearly yelling at someone, and so far, it seemed that this someone didn't even exist. Varian placed his hands over his ears, refusing to hear talk like crazy person anymore. Suddenly a thud resonated in the entire prison and whispers spread in the group of guards.

-Do you really think you're in position to ask anything ?!

The powerful and angry voice was not Camalia's. It wasn't anyone of the guard either. The loud noise exploded in the prison again, and everyone jumped a little bit.

-WE have control over our link !

Another violent thud followed with a cry of Camalia, freezing Varian's blood in his veins. Captain finally snapped and ran up the stairs as fast as he could.

-WE can hurt you throught it !

And again. The guards finally stopped to just stand there and followed their chief. In the cell, the alchemist was pressing his hands as much as he could on his ears, but if felt like nothing could stop the atrocious noise.

-WE can make your life hell !

The last slam was heard and suddenly it was silent. Everyone was waiting for the next part. A call for help teared the silence apart. It was Cap's voice. Camalia was hurt. There was panicked steps and the sound of the prison door closing and it was calm again. Varian dropped his hands. A whistle came from the bed across the room. He turned to Andrew casually laying in his bed with a soft smile he could now see after getting used to the darkness.

-That was distracting. And from the noise we heard, I think we'll be able to sleep the next night soundly, dear jailmate.

Varian turned back to face the wall, wrapping himself in the thin cover. He clunched his eyes shut, in a failed attempt to fall asleep and forget about everything. He was okay.

It was okay.

FIRST / PREVIOUS WHAT IS THIS ?

[vancilocs]

you can do as much writing as you want, as a treat. All you feel are relevant with mateo and shyn?

i have one class tomorrow and i’m already just Done

❣️ When did your OC first realise they were in love? How did they react to the realisation?

Well it kinda grows, like first they’re friends, then he starts really missing them when they’re gone, then normal things like holding his hand to guide him around unfamiliar places makes him feel all tingly. Last time it made him nervous bc he very much thought he was being an unwanted third weel to both the people he liked

She likes attention in general so when she starts craving the attention of just one girl she kinda knows that oh no, a crush is brewing. When that becomes just a general feeling of full trust and tenderness and it being Just Them (jealousy comes into the play as well, she wants only their romantic attention and wants them to give romantic attention only to her) she will admit that she might be in love

💝 What kinds of gifts does your OC recieve from their partner(s)? What kinds of gifts do they give in return?

He doesn’t give gifts, really. If anything, then giftcards to a store he figures they’re into. He’s in a habit of giving simple massages as a treat but as a gift might just give a proper fullbody one. Not also a gift-taking kind of guy, he’s a minimalist and if anything just appreciates if someone does a chore that’s harder for him to do.

Small knickknacks, cheap jewelry, booze, things she can snag from abandoned places or elsewhere, a necklace a lady friend forgot in her apartment or dropped in her shirt at a club, small things that make her think of someone. In turn she also likes receiving that kind of stuff, price doesn’t matter, she much more appreciates if it’s a thoughtful gift

💕 Describe an ideal date for them!

Either at a nearby cafe having a piece of cake or then just at home, cuddling away, having snacks.

Roaming around an abandoned building, climbing a smokestack, going clubbing, something fun and exciting.

💔 Has your OC had a bad breakup or nasty ex? If so does this have any affect on their current relationship?

Not really, no.

She has one ex-girlfriend with a grudge for Shyn leaving her because she was bonkers. Might come around and give her an elbow stabbo at some point.

💘 What do they love most about their partner(s)? What do their partner(s) love most about them?

Quinn is outgoing and talkative like he is, he loves being involved and the attention. For Wolf that he’s sensitive but open about it, there’s a degree of trust and vulnerability that goes both ways really. Vulnerability also applies for Mateo and Quinn too

Trias is not boring and absolutely can keep up with her, Shyn can suggest whatever and she’s like yeah yeah let’s do it. She was kinda apprehensive at first because she knew Trias works with Krea but she kinda proved that legality doesn’t matter to her which Shyn appreciated

💖 What are some little subtle ways they show that they love each other?

Both partners learn to be mindful of Mateo’s disability and don’t leave their clothes laying around, bottles in the bathroom, sharp things or fire where he might knock something over or hurt himself. Also include him in things like watching movies, while he can’t really see it nor will he be asking questions all the time, he likes to listen and especially the cuddling aspect of it. He himself just gives little touches, little compliments, is there to alleviate physical or mental aches

She’s not really subtle about compliments and smacking their butts, if anything she will start asking how the other one’s doing at times, is there for the fun and the bad stuff, wants to know them better, remembers thing she learned and will then do things she knows the other likes. She’ll remember how you like your coffee and prepare it that way if you’re coming over.

💗 Describe your OC’s partner(s) from their point of view! What do they really think about them?

Can’t even begin to answer

💓 What is their favourite activity to do together (that isn’t time in the bedroom)?

He likes walks and they’re the best to do together, cuddling, loves a picnic

Causing chaos or mischief or just general public disapproval by being inappropriate where people can see

💞 What do their respective families think of their relationship?

His siblings are a-okay with it, they seem nice and he’s happy there’s no problem

Her stepdad would be a little weirded out if she brought a terenlasi home but so far she hasn’t told anyone (if they even are dating)

🖤 Have they ever had a really bad argument where they almost broke up?

Well Mateo almost ruined the whole thing before it began by planning to just run off

Nah

❤️ How did they end up in a relationship with their current partner(s)?

It was a long time coming tbh, lots of yearning and pining and obliviousness and misunderstandings (jfc Mat you can’t just say you’re poly and be all surprised Pikachu when the others suggest y’all being poly)

If they even are. Not super exclusive, at least (or not yet), basically Shyn just found the silliest girl of the Outer rim and decided to keep her bc she’s fun

💋 Who is the best kisser? (if you’d like write a short smooch scene!)

Either Mateo or Quinn

Shyn with that long-ass tongue of hers and all too much experience

[isitgintimeyet]

The Ties That Bind

AO3

Previous

Thanks to everyone for reading. Time for Jamie and Claire to have an honest discussion.

Thanks to @mo-nighean-rouge for the beta.

Warning : Some swearing and NSFW below the cut

Chapter 16: An Uncomfortable Revelation

I do not think I responded immediately, for it took me a moment or two to fully digest these words of Miss Kenton. Moreover, as you might appreciate, their implications were such as to provoke a certain degree of sorrow within me. Indeed- why should I not admit it? - at that moment, my heart was breaking. -Kazuo Ishiguro, The Remains of the Day

Claire opened her door to find a sweating Jamie leaning against the door frame.

“Claire, Sassenach...” He managed, between gulps of air.

“Oh, god, look at you. Come in, sit down. Have you run all the way from yours?”

Her eyes were immediately drawn to his scraped and bloodied knuckles. She ushered him into the living room and gathered her first aid kit, ready to tend to his injuries.

Jamie tried hard not to wince as the sting of the antiseptic cream hit his hand. Claire gently massaged the cream into his skin with her fingertips. Soothing and relaxing, she held his hand between hers before lifting it to her lips and lightly kissing his palm. His throat tightened, the pain in his knuckles was nothing compared to what he knew he had to do.

“So, can you flex your fingers for me?” In professional mode, Claire took Jamie’s hand through a range of exercises and movements, finally confirming that it was fortunately not broken, merely bruised.

“And how did it happen?” Claire released his hand and sat back.

“I banged it on a tree.”

“Did you lose your balance then? Are you hurt anywhere else?” She scanned his body for further signs of injury.

Jamie shook his head. “Jes’ ma hand. I… I may have punched a tree.”

Claire began to laugh. “Punched a tree? Is this some sort of male testosterone-y thing? You’re never going to…”

She paused as a thought struck her. Her face grew worried. “Geneva. You’ve been to see Geneva. And now you’re in a bad mood. Because you’re going to have to tell me something. That I’m not going to like. Oh, fucking hell, Jamie, you said you weren’t going back to her. How could you say you love…”

Claire stood up, about to move away. Jamie grabbed her waist and pulled her, protesting, back on the sofa beside him.

“Claire, please listen tae me. Aye, something has happened, but…”

Claire struggled to pull away as Jamie’s arms wrapped even more tightly round her.

“Listen, LISTEN, PLEASE.” Jamie’s voice raised, then softened again as Claire relaxed her struggles. “Claire I love ye and only ye. I want us tae have a future together and I have told Geneva that. Ye are my girlfriend and nothing will change the way I feel about ye.”

Jamie could feel the tension in Claire’s body start to disappear. He took her hands in his and looked into her amber eyes, those amazing whisky-coloured eyes, looking right into his with complete trust. She smiled encouragingly.

“I’m listening.”

Jamie took a deep breath and looked down at his hand. “Ye ken I used tae go out wi’ Geneva last year and we met up again at that wedding, where I first saw ye. After that we went out for a couple of drinks but I knew it wasna right, so I ended it, before it had begun really. And most definitely before ye treated Wee Jamie and I asked ye out. She didna take it too well but I hadna heard from her since, until she started callin’ this past week or sae.”

He hesitated and looked up to Claire. Anxiety was etched on her face, her forehead furrowed, her eyes half closed, her teeth gnawed her lower lip. Waiting for the killer punch she knew was to come.

“Why Geneva wanted tae talk tae me is… is… weel,” Jamie stumbled over the words. This was the first time he had had to say them aloud. “She’s pregnant, she’s having a baby and…”

“But you said you knew it wasn’t right between you. You said you only went out for a drink a couple of times. What’s it got to do with you?”

Jamie felt his cheeks burning red hot. Claire pulled her hands out of Jamie’s grasp.

“Ah, I see. You idiot. You fucking great idiot. You knew it wasn’t right between you. You knew she wanted a relationship with you. And yet you still slept with her. Was it that important to get laid? To have a shag? Was the fuck worth it?”

The words of recrimination poured out of Claire, each sentence cruder than the one before, little barbed arrows designed to smart and sting.

Claire’s voice grew hoarse. “How can you have done that? Is it too great a distance for common sense to travel from your brain to your dick? Or is all your thinking done by your dick anyway? Was Geneva just a convenient and willing hole for you to stick your prick in? Is that what I am to you, just another hole for your cock?”

Claire stood and walked to the kitchen. Jamie remained seated, ashamed. She returned with a glass of water, slowly sipping it.

“Talk to me, James Fraser. Explain it to me.” She sounded calmer.

“I’ll tell ye. I’m no’ proud of ma actions, but it wasna all me either. I made no promises tae Geneva, didna lead her on. I dinna ken what went on in her head. But when she asked me tae go tae bed, I did. ‘Twas jes’ the one night and when she asked me again, I said ‘No.’”

Claire sat down next to Jamie, on the edge of the seat, tightly coiled ready to spring up again. Jamie placed his hand on her leg. She let it remain there but didn’t react to its presence. Her eyes were focussed, not on him but over his shoulder, towards her shelves with the twinkling fairy lights. Even without looking at him though, he knew she was listening, processing the information, hopefully giving him a chance to explain. He took a deep breath and continued.

“That’s why she was tryin’ tae get hold of me. Tae tell me. I canna tell ye how much of a shock it was, how much it upset me knowing how I'd have tae make ye feel. And, yes, Geneva did suggest that she and I could make it work. But I told her, I told her straight that I was wi’ ye and that I love ye. And that wasna goin’ tae change, bairn or no. Ye must believe me. I willna lie tae ye. I said I will support her and help, but not wi’ out ye.”

Claire exhaled. Jamie hadn’t realised she had been holding her breath. Still not willing to look at him, she asked shakily, “How do you know she’s pregnant? What if she’s not and it’s a ploy to get you back with her? What if she conveniently fakes a miscarriage and has to rely more and more on your emotional support? She could drag you back into her world.  There’d be no room for me. Or what if it’s not your baby? What if she slept with someone else?”

“Nah, I believe her. She’s no’ lyin’.”

An image briefly flashed into his mind of Geneva’s face when he asked about the pill. The unwillingness to make eye contact, the hesitation in her response. He thrust it aside. Now was not the time to dwell on that.

“Nah, ‘tis mine. I’ve nae doubt. The dates...they match”

Claire sat quietly for a moment then gasped as another thought suddenly manifested. “But how… we always use protection. Why didn’t you? Or would it somehow have ruined the moment?” The sarcasm was obvious in her voice.

“D’ye really want tae know these details?”

Claire nodded.

“Weel, when we were together last year, she was on the pill. I asked her, afore… afore we… er, and she told me she was still on it. She now says she got a wee bit of a sickness bug. I suppose the pukin’ would’ve affected it.”

Claire emitted a typically Scottish sound of derision, making her opinion on that very clear. “So what happens now? About the baby, I mean. I assume she’s keeping it.”

“Aye, she is. Weel, I have tae tell Da and Jenny. I’m piss scared o’ Jenny. I’m sure she’ll have ma balls in a vice if she could. I said I would go with Geneva tae the twelve week scan. And then we will have tae figure something out.”

Claire turned and rested her head against Jamie’s chest. He felt her start to shake as her tears mingled with the sweat stains on his running vest. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head.

“Claire, hush, ye are ma love. This willna come between us, I know.”

“But, with me now, it’ll never be the first. Never the first time you hear the heartbeat, or see that blurry image, or hold your baby in your arms. I’ll never have those firsts with you. That’s been taken away from me. They’ll always be reruns.”

“There’ll still be firsts. The first time ye tell me ye’re pregnant and I ken that bairn was conceived in love, the first time I go to sleep wi’ my arms around yer belly feelin’ the kicks within ye. The first time I’m there fer the birth. And even the reruns, as ye call them, will be all the more special because I’m sharing them wi’ ye.”

Claire sat up and wiped the tears from her eyes with her sleeve. “I’m sorry. I was getting ahead of myself there, talking about having children with you. We’ve only been together for such a short time, my thoughts there were somewhat premature.”

“Dinna apologise, Sassenach. I have the same dreams, meself, wi’ ye.”

Finally, Claire looked up at Jamie. So many thoughts crowded inside her head, a jumbled seething mass of emotions too complicated to unpick tonight. One stood out, a beacon in this whole mess. Jamie was hers and he loved her. As though seeking affirmation, she brought her hands up to his face, holding him before bringing her mouth to his for a moment then breaking away.

“Jamie, come with me.”

Jamie recognised a note of urgency in Claire's voice.

Claire took Jamie’s hand from her leg, pulling him up and leading him into the bedroom.  

She pushed him onto the bed and straddled him, one leg either side of his hips. She pulled at his vest, peeling it off his body and flinging it to the floor. Her fingernails raked down his chest, leaving thin red paths through his ginger hairs, until they reached the waistband of his shorts. Jamie rolled his hips towards her, his arousal clearly defined through the thin material. Claire climbed off him and quickly pulled off his shoes and socks before tugging his shorts down his legs to join his vest on the floor.

Jamie watched as, without any ceremony or teasing routine, Claire quickly removed her shirt and unhooked her bra. He reached out to capture a breast but Claire moved just out of reach. She raised her hips and pulled her yoga pants and knickers down together in one motion. For a moment, she stayed still kneeling next to him, watching as he ran his eyes all over her body. Then swiftly she moved, bringing her mouth to his stomach, biting and nipping around his abdomen, red marks showing the path of her lips and teeth. Her hands cupped his buttocks, pulling his hips closer into her.

Her movements became more frantic as she raised herself up Jamie’s body. Her mouth pressed hard against his, her tongue pushing and probing, before biting his lower lip. Her hands moved through his hair, grabbing it in her fists. Jamie groaned in pleasure as Claire reached for his hand and placed it between her legs.

“Do you want me?” She whispered harshly in his ear, sending shivers down his spine. “Do you want to fuck me?”

“Oh, God, Yes.”

He rolled Claire onto her back, positioning himself between her legs. Stilling himself for a moment, he leaned over and opened the drawer of the bedside table, pulling out a foil packet.

“Do you want tae put it on me?” he asked.

Claire opened her eyes fully and stared at the little square packet. Snatching it from Jamie’s fingers, she threw it across the room.

“Oh yes, have to take precautions. Can’t have any little accidents with your girlfriend, can we? A one-night stand, well, that’s a different matter.”

She pushed him off her and rolled away from him, pulling the cover over her body.

“I think you should go.”

[wafflesetc]

I’ll be there for you, chapter 11 (previously)

This chapter was 3 rounds of touch and go, back and forth, and I am finally *somewhat* happy with how it turned out. @missclairebelle and @kkruml have magic in their hands. 

It had been a week.  A week since he had learned the news that his life may change forever.  A week since he had last slept soundly.

Ian threw a peanut at him as he swirled his beer in is hand.

“Och brother,” Ian groaned as he reached for the clean glasses and stacked them onto the shelf. “What has yer panties all in a wad?”

Jamie grunted in response from the other side of the bar and took a sip of his beer. “It is nothing.”

Ian laughed and set another glass in its place and then rested his hands on the edge of the counter and leaned over his brother-in-law. “Ye are sae stupid, Fraser.”

“Don’t push me, Murray.”

“I am no’ pushing, I am inquiring.” Ian reached behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whisky and tw glasses. He poured them slowly as he watched his best friend swirl his beer.

“It’s Claire.” Jamie breathed, taking a large sip and finishing the contents of his bottle.

Ian slid Jamie a tumbler of whisky.

“I had a feeling it had to do wi’ her.”

Jamie let out a Scottish noise of disgruntlement and Ian rolled his eyes. “Elaborate, or the drinks are no’ on the house.”

He laughed at that, raised his glass at his best friend, and tipped it in a cheers-like motion. “What good is it being related to the bartender and owner if the drinks arena free?”

“Yer stalling.”

Jamie sat back on the barstool and took a large gulp of the whisky. “Frank asked her to move in with him.”

“Finally, we get to the truth,” Ian said as he rounded from the back of the bar and sat down on the empty stool next to Jamie. “What did she say?”

He let out a breath and closed his eyes, rubbing his temples. “It’s more what she didna say, Ian. She doesna want to talk about it to me, at all. And that isna like her.”

Flashes of the past week ran through his mind. How she left earlier than she normally did in the morning to grab a cup of coffee form the local café, knowing full well she preferred his cup of French Roast to any latte, and ‘caught an extra spin class’ after three shifts in a row. How she and Geillis were spending a bit more time together at the hospital, after her shifts: things that she didn’t normally do, he could only think she was trying to ignore him in some way.

“Why do you think that is?” Ian chimed. Jamie turned towards him and noted the small raise of his brow.

“Dinna be lookin’ at me like that.”

“Ye are a smart lad, I willna lie.” Ian complained, “But yer daft for sure when it comes to Claire.”  He let out a snort and gave Jamie a devilish grin.

“I’m sorry Ian, I really dinna ken what yer referring to.”

“Jamie,” Ian started, “Ye ken I love ye like a brother? Right?”

“Aye.” Jamie agreed.

“Weel, the lass waited around for ye for about a year when ye first moved in It’s been almost three years now, ye dolt. She didna bring anyone home, she didna even go on a date that first year.” Ian said sternly, “The lass has had it bad for ye for years and ye never made a move.” Ian reached across and placed a hand on Jamie’s forearm. “She isna wanting to talk to ye about it, because she wants ye to tell her not to do it. She wants ye to tell her not to move in with him, and ye want her to stay.”

Jamie let out a Scottish noise and rested his head on the bar, causing Ian to laugh.

“And she’s also no’ talking to ye about it, because she kens yer an honorable man. That she is technically wi’ Frank and that ye will encourage her to move in wi’ him. The real problem is, Claire has waited for ye for almost three years now, and ye havena grown a pair and told her yerself.”

Ian squeezed Jamie’s arm and took a breath, “She’s wi’ Frank now, and ye have Mary, no’ that ye look at her wi’ any semblance of passion like ye do Claire, but ye reap what ye sow, lad. Ye ken this.”  

“Ian…” Jamie tried to start but stopped as Ian raised a hand at him and narrowed his eyes.

“Listen, I ken yer going to tell me ye dinna wish to be wi’ her, ye love Mary, she loves Frank, and so on. But as yer brother tis my duty to tell ye the things ye need to hear when no one else will, right?”

“Aye.”

“So, that is what I am doin’. I am tellin’ ye, that ye need to be a man and grow some bullocks. Tell Mary that she is a lovely lass, she always has been, but it willna work. That it willna work because yer tired of living half a life. She will understand; twill hurt her heart and I hate to say that, but she does care for ye. And ye ken all of that is true.” Ian stopped, and took a sip, narrowing his eyes down at Jamie once more.

“I have a feeling Mary is going to understand more than ye like to give her credit for, I bet deep down the lass already kens the truth of the situation….Then ye need to have a heart to heart wi’ Claire. Lay it all out for her and let her decide. Then the ball is in her court. Ye owe it to yerself and to her, to tell her how you truly feel.”

“Ian….”  Jamie tried again, he knew it was true; It had been three years of a knowledge he had tried to forget. Claire and him had danced around each other, both stringing along flings and going about the motions, neither one biting the bullet and speaking up. He had grown tired of waiting- and so had she. He couldn’t blame anyone but himself.

“No, then ye can say ye at least tried and not look back in twenty years and wish ye had done so. Now’s the time. Dinna answer me, because I need to get home. That nephew of yers is giving your sister a run for her money and she’s going out with Claire and Geillis tonight and I am on Da duty.”

Ian let out a big breath and patted Jamie on the shoulder. “I ken ye dinna like to hear this, but I am the only one who can tell ye the truths of yer heart.”

Jamie stared into the distance for a moment, letting the Ian’s words sink in.

“Damn ye, Frasers. Thick skulls, the lot of ye! And I have to deal with both of ye. God help me.” Ian said to himself causing Jamie to laugh and turn his attention to his brother-in-law.

Ian smiled and took a sip of whisky, emptying the contents in the glass and reaching for his keys.  “Lock up when yer done, alright?”

Jamie nodded as he watched his friend exit the bar. His mind was racing a mile a minute- should he tell her? What exactly would she say to him?  Would she feel the same? What about Mary and Frank?

He took the last sip of his whisky- the liquid courage sending a pulse through his veins.

His chance was now- but first he had to make a stop.

[red--hair--dont--care]

first post 😏

so ill start off by saying hi, you can call me lucy.. or whatever you want, tbh i dont really care about names or specific pronouns. i never let it bug me but please dont go out of your way to be mean, be a decent person and treat people with some basic kindness and everything will be okay. ☺️

so you could say i havent come out yet, the only place i dont feel myself is at work but because coming out at work would be way to... complicating i decided to just not but still maintain the essence of who i am and not care what people said or how they looked at me. ive never really had to worry about taking shit from them or from really anyone becsuse apparently i have an always angry face even though most of the time im not even angry lol. but because of that it keeps peoples comments to themselves. im not very engaging so conversation would end up being very one sided. im okay with this work arrangement i just hope eventually i can get a job where i can be me how i want to be without having to worry about things becoming complicated. outside of work i am me i try to dress gender neutral just because i dont feel i am able to pass yet(though the makeup girl at the spa thought i was a girl but as soon as i opened my mouth she was like omg im so sorry. it was pretty funny it didnt like offend me or anything at all, i let things like that go or else it would bug me to no end.) i have anxiety but i deal with it well by not spending too much time thinking about it all and just go about my business. and ive learned mosy people are oblivious or dont even care. i have noticed its more elderly women that give me stares but i think its funny 😋 i try to wear clothes that are subtly feminine so i can wear what is comfortable and what fits but also not be clocked by every nosey person in the grocery store. i dont wear alot of makeup when im out if any at all, its usually lip gloss, a little mascara, and filled in eyebrows.

Ive been on hrt for about a month but the end of 2017 all of 2018 i spent 'pre' transitioning. i got rid of all my guy clothes except one or two outfits for work i started ordering clothes online and from thrift stores and slowly aquired almost a whole wardrobe lol.

i tried herbal supplements for feminizing and breast growth pills, the first 3 months of that i felt like shit all the time, hormones were everywhere.. it was a mess. (i feel like because i went all through that proir to actual hrt that by body got used to feeling like shit and everything else so it was like prepared and toughened up the next time around. if that makes sense) i noticed breast growth that went away and havent had any of it since. i got super sensitive and hurt to touch but none of that happens anymore, im not sure why..

i started to shave every week and been doing it since but has gotten so much easier and quicker over time (it still takes forever) eventually i got a laser hair remover and started using it but it was hard to use it every week because im lazy lol but i still use it, im not sure if it works but im just gonna keep using it and im sure it will help to get rid of my facial hair over time. i started transitioning from using cheap hygiene supplies to more expensive ones then to home made ones. since ive done that my skin has gotten noticeably better, i use African black soap that i buy but the rest of it i make using different things you can find in your kitchen. i hope taking care of my skin in this way will pay off later on and so far it looks better then my old routine.

so ive been on estridol and spiro for about a month now, the first things that i noticed a few days after starting was i was happy again, like the weel before i felt horrible i was unhappy with myself, i felt dull. i dont think it was a placebo because i wasnt expecting anything to happen. so i can say that my experience has been a positive one so far. i havent had any breast changes like sensitivity or soreness or anything. i was using a pump almost daily before i started hrt and so my chest was already soft and squshy and protruding a little. im not too worried about it i just hope that they start, ive heard of girls having it start then stop and not do anything. i just want to be able to wear a bra because i need to not because thats 'what youre supposed to do if your a girl'

Ive alway been skinny and not weighed over 130 but i hope this will change that, i have already lost what little muscle i had, my arms are lean so they still look muscular but i think with time they will smooth out. i have very thin hips so im hoping i will get wider and my thighs will thicken up, to help that along im doing butt and leg exercises along with stretching and yoga i guess. (i dont call it yoga)

I know that diet is a big part of the results you end up with so ive started eating better then i was before. and im trying to eat more too, ive always had a tough time eating because i have little to no appetite, i just dont find food appealing most times. ive started drinking more water and now i have to pee every hour lol. its not so bad h20 will help keeping my liver and kidneys from taking too much.

so im not really sure what else i should include in this post, im sure i forgot some things but thats okay they will come to me☺️ if you made it down this far thank you for listening i hope you have a wonderful day and dont forget that you are not alone. 😘💜

#firstpost #girlslikeus #trans #transgender #transgirl #transcommunity #hrt #mtf #transisbeautiful

[lim-lifeinmotion]

I want to hurt myself so badly againIt hurts so fucing muchTime is supposed to heal these things but t has been two months, I am really fucking tying I am trying so god damn hard I have done so much for myself to try and love myself  I want to talk so somebody so badly but i dont want to talk to anyone at all I feel so cut off and it hurts so much I want to die so bad Im so sick of this, feeling the way i do, its so unbearbly hard ive worked so hard and made an amazing collection But i know i am going to feel like this far too long and i dont want to I dont Because it fucking hurts and i cant breathe i cant swallow i can do anything but be a prisoner to my own just sadness and horrible horrible thoughs,  and Im powerless to do anything against them, it hurts so much Im not stong enough to do this by myself, I need someones help, someone I can fall alseep with at night, to cry and be happy with TO love, to make love with because right now I cannot Im going to china for a month in less than a few weeks, I dont know if ill come back Not because I would be staying there, I just wont be But that is selfish and i can’t say that im just sad you know? I want to be better, I have talked at least once a week to professionals, i took their pills, thir advice, their guidance but when I step out of thoses doors and time passes, It is just me fighting for my own god damn life and that is just the saddest part, Im not fighting for anything else right now but to be alive for one more god damn day so perhaps that day will be the day I am happy, isn’t that just so sad? I would love to take myself out for dinner but i have no money left, i can’t pay for a god damn thing because every cent i have has gone towards trying to make me happy, to forget how sad I was, to be with friends and to make people smile so I could smile and laugh with them. Im not smiling anymore, the only time i smiled was just feeling that love, remembering that it happened and being so greatful for it, being hopeful to find this in ez and in myself, iin anyone but when Im alone its like it always is, only this time there is no escaping from this, theres nobody for me to run to, to feel that love when I simply cannot feel it for myself. Is this such a bad thing? Does my highs and my ups, everything that embodies who i am and what life is, is this not worth the times when my life has gotten too much for me to bear on my own? I am the way I am because of everything I have been through, Is it too much to ask for someone to kiss me and hold me when it all rears its fucking demon face in my mind and I cannot escape it? To want a reason to live other than creating and making something of myself? I know that should be me, I know I should be that reason but I’m just not and I am trying really fucking hard, More than I have before because before I thought that perhaps if i find someone it’ll be different, it was but it was exactly the same and now im just petrified that this is me, this is who i am and nobody, nobody, I dont want to hurt anyone else like i did, I can’t be that burden, that lively fucking burden, I can’t talk to anyone because its so drainging on everyone around me, my best friend is in wellington and he still doesnt know, How can i tell him over the phone? I was going to when I went to wellington for my sales trip but i can’t get behind the weel of a car without thinking about driving that little faster and pulling that god danm steering wheel. I cannnot drive that long on open and empty roads for that amount of time, I suppose that means i still have a bit of fight left yeah? I just dont understand why I feel like this? I’m just so sad, so empty, everything I do will always bring me right back here noo mtter how hrd I try or how good I feel at the time. The more it happens and the more time that passes? It just shows me how futile this all is, I’m not even scared, i mean, a helping hand? Now i know that would change everything, because I know how much i need help now, im not running away from this any longer, i have suffered for to long and I want to be that happy ryan we all knew and loved so much, you know the person I am talking about, the boy that made you smile, that showed you life like nothing had ever shown you before, to fill a room up with so much energy everyone is poweress not to embrace it and just live. I want to be him again, I am so close but with each step I get closer to the light my shadows grow ten fold and pull me right back, I am gasping, ripping and tearing my way trying to grab his had but they are so fucking strong, they know my every weakness and feed upon it like the demons they are. This is when I need somebody, to piggy back me into the light, because they may be able to hurt me, to get inside my head, but they cannot fucking touch them, I will not ever let my demons harm another person if I still have breath in these lungs. I will die before i left them hurt anyone else. I am stronger than they are, and I am so fucking angry at them, how fucking dare they, ruin such a beautiful person, fuck, you, you will not touch me or my loved ones again, fuck you brendan for raping me, fuck you for pretending like it didn’t happen, fuck you kylie for touching me when I was a child, fuck you the nameless people that brought my body, Fuck you paul fuck you matt (not smith) fuck you everyone you can no longer touch me i am NOT for sale. Fuck you but I forgive you all, I don’t want to be angry or broken any more, these shadows have faces and I refuse to let them stand in my light and follow me for the rest of my exsistance. Go

[horsegirlhob]

a n s w e r t h e m a l l

Jesus take the weel we really gon do this huh?

Well, prepare yourself I guess.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Mah girlfrien

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Outgoing I guess?

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Courtney Barnette in concert tonight good music I strongly recommend.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I like to think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Yeh I’d assume so 

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Smart funny people? Idk.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Yeah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

No one?

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My therapist

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

It’s the “Guess I’ll die” picture.

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

You can’t make me choose

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Depends on who it is.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Nah.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I went to france which was litty as a titty (I regret the words that I speak)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Absolutely

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Yep, definitely

 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No, but not because of some falling out or anything, we just went to different high schools

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Never had one

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Yeah, overall.

21. What are you bad habits?

I bite my nails and I write all my ‘f’s like fuckin forte symbols

22. Where would you like to travel?

I’d like to go to venice again before it sinks into the ocean

23. Do you have trust issues?

Nah

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Getting home 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Fuckin boobs

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Pretend that I have not woken up

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Darker because I burn so fuckin easily

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

The neighborhood cat

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Yes my many many exes that I seduced and who are all still in love with me. (Jk I have no exes)

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I really don’t care either way.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Not even remotely

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Jodi Whittaker and Jodi because They’re both great but more importantly their names rhyme

33. Spell your name with your chin.

johanna (I am so impressed with myself you have no idea)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I used to play soccer and now I do aerial silks

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Definitely no tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yeah, of course.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I usually just poke the other person with a stick like some kind of roadkill racoon

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Don’t really have one

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

The candy ones

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Go to university

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Not everyone but usually (for like minor stuff. Rapists and stuff like that I’m not inclined to give a second chance.)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m asleep

43. Do you smile at strangers?

I wink suggestively at strangers until they run away.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Outer space.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My mother turning on my light and yelling at me

46. What are you paranoid about?

Everyone hating me

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Once with my grandmother

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Yep

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yes

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish that my chest were smaller (aka no boobs would be a fun time)

53. Favourite makeup brand?

The... face... kind?

54. Favourite store?

the grocery store

55. Favourite blog?

Certainly not my own

56. Favourite colour?

Red

57. Favourite food? 

I’ve always loved all kinds of asian cuisine. Right now I’m kinda craving sushi.

58. Last thing you ate?

A homemade cranberry muffin

59. First thing you ate this morning?

A homemade cranberry muffin

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Some soccer tournaments.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nothing

62. Been arrested? For what?

Arrested for stealing people’s hearts ;)

63. Ever been in love? 

Pass

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

My girlfriend kissed me in the theatre room because no one was there and I was leaving for 2 months and then we sat in silence for half an hour.

65. Are you hungry right now?

Not really

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

What real friends?

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Instagram

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

No.

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Evelin

71. Craving something? What?

Craving that sweet sweet serotonin

 72. What colour are your towels?

Mostly blue and purple

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

deux

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Oui

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

You mean how many drawers of stuffed animals? the answer is three. Three drawers full. 

75. Favourite animal?

Fox or raccoon

76. What colour is your underwear?

Purple

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

I’m a slut of some good cookie dough

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black

80. What colour pants?

Grey

81. Favourite tv show?

It’s not my favourite but I just finished watching the good place which is a good show

82. Favourite movie?

Don’t really have one. Maybe Heathers?

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls (never seen 21 jump street)

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Karen

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Crush

87. First person you talked to today?

My mother

88. Last person you talked to today?

My father

89. Name a person you hate?

Jada

90. Name a person you love?

Evelin

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Myself 

92. In a fight with someone?

Myself

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Too many

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

at least 11

95. Last movie you watched?

Ant man and the wasp

96. Favourite actress?

Jodi Whittaker because she’s the first one I could think of.

97. Favourite actor?

David Tennant because I was thinking about doctor who

98. Do you tan a lot?

If by tan you mean burn

99. Have any pets?

I have a little sister

100. How are you feeling?

Depressed and distressed

101. Do you type fast?

Yeah but it’s with really bad technique

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Yes

103. Can you spell well?

Absolutely not

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes actually

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Only my parents

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yep

108. What should you be doing?

Not this

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Period cramps are a bitch

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Dan and Phil

111. Do you have trust issues?

No and I feel like this was asked already

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My friend probably

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Joji

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yep

115. Do you play the Wii?

Nope

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Always

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Yeah

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yes but only actual Chinese food none of your american Chinese shit

119. Favourite book?

I want my hat back

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

No

121. Are you mean?

Mainly to myself

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

I can’t even keep black shoes clean

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not at all

125. Do you believe in true love?

In a way

126. Are you currently bored?

Not really

127. What makes you happy?

Dan and Phil

128. Would you change your name?

In a heartbeat

129. What your zodiac sign?

Virgo

130. Do you like subway?

I mean it’s not like, my favourite food but I’ll eat it

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

But he’s gay

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

I know for sure that we asked this question already

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

“The paramedic thinks I’m clever cause I play guitar, I think she’s clever cause she stops people dying”

134. Can you count to one million?

No because patience is a virtue

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“Yeah I have math class next” (I had french class)

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed

137. How tall are you?

5′10

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Well I have straight hair, but I don’t know if this means me or on other people.

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

December

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope, I like eating that thick meat.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milky milky goodness

145. Tea or Coffee?

Both

146. Was today a good day?

Objectively

147. Mars or Snickers?

Twix

148. What’s your favourite quote?

[Embrace the void and] have the courage to exist 

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

I am a ghost. 

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)

“Staring at my reflection in one of those angled shoe-store mirrors when I was six or seven, thinking there was something wrong with my body.”

That was long and I apologize to everyone who follows me.